mikedb1492

My father carried me up the stairs in his bulky arms shushing me softly, telling me it’s alright and that there is nothing to worry about. Put a comma after ...

Here's the second chapter of The Charge Card. I hope you all like it. The Charge Card: 2 John plopped into his black cushioned seat, put his hands behind his ...

Dusk had long settled on the city of Lalthan, where men had been killing these Jackals for two days past. Get rid of the word 'these'. It just sounds better. ...

The mansion in which Carrie lived was out of sight here, despite how big it was. Get rid of the word 'here' to increase the fluidity. She was four years ...

Wow. That was pretty friggin sweet. You've got a great start to a story here and I can't wait to read more. All I can tell you as a tip ...

Pretty interesting. At first I thought this was a ww1 story since you talked about trench warfare, but I found out before too long. Overall it was pretty good, but ...

Overall, pretty good. I've never heard a story in present tense before and I thought you did it well. I did have one problem with it, though. “I’ll have to ...

I like this. I could see this happening too. I don't know if you could continue this, though, since its just about Sirius eating an apple.

Okay, here we go. I got off the train with a sigh, I was finally to my... Replace that comma with a period. All around me the city was buzzing ...

Everyone else got everything. The only thing I can tell you is that in this story of yours you should get rid of all the parts like the quote below. ...

But what did make me finally leave was when he had tried to sell me as a prostitute. Change the beginning to 'But what made me finally...' It flows better. ...

Overall this was pretty good. The main thing I had a problem with was when you described 'flit', that running thing. I'd incorporate it later in the story when Razi ...

With a supised yelp she fell to floor. You forgot the 'r' in 'surprised'. ...she peeled herself off the bed and made herself in fornt of her long mirror. You ...

Wow. It's too short to give a good critique but overall your writing style and detail were quite good. Good job.

Well done. It's all true, of course. I myself am guilty of some of the beliefs you speak, but it's hard to help it at times. Anyway, this was good.