mikedb1492

The man had barely had thirty seconds to rest when he heard a loud BOOM from behind him. He turned quickly to see a man behind him with knees bent ...

Wow, way to go with this one. Very detailed. I think the best part is the hair, the way you made it flowing in the wind. The folding and clothing ...

Wow, that was awesome. The idea itself, shape shifting and all, has been used before, but I liked how you integrated the government or whatever coming after him. Like the ...

His pursuer popped out of a dark alleyway in front of him. It was a robot. Sorry, but it's just weird to have an odd bit of information thrown in ...

Not bad, but I have to say that it was too short, and didn't really do much to inform me about your story. It was, however, written well enough for ...

You say this is the worst idea ever, but I don't think it's that bad. It's actually kind of good. Like everyone else said you have to show us instead ...

Not bad. It wasn't great or anything, but it flowed well, was easy to read, and was comically pleasing. Overall I'm glad I read it.

She turned to the boy. Okay. In this first paragraph, why aren't you calling him Ali? He did introduce himself last chapter so you should start using his name instead ...

“Thank you, sir,” She says. “Come with me,” She whispers to him. You don't need the 'she whispers to him' part since you'd just done so. So it should read ...

He shrugged, and pulling a few dingy dollars from his pocket replied, “Coffee, black”. What you were trying to do here needs a comma after 'and' and also after 'pocket'. ...

I liked it. I think 'the whole world's gone to hell' concept that's shown is pretty cool, and I think that when combined with the other parts of your story ...

“Alright. If you want to follow me, please.” Draco replied. Unlike the rest of the story you put put the word 'replied' instead of 'replies'. Remember, you have to keep ...

It was [s]a prettily[/s] decorated with carved flowers and woodland scenes. 'Prettily' isn't a word I'd use here, or in too many other places. Also get rid of the 'A'. ...

Ok, here's what I think. “Who is that?” Ansem (aka: Riku) said... Don't put aka: Riku. In fact, refer to Riku as Riku throughout the entire story. Everyone there knows ...

"I'm here, Sev! Oh, Sevy, please hurry!" This is just me, but I thought 'Sev' and 'Sevy' are a little too weird for Snape to be called. . She was ...