mikedb1492

“Neville!” Gran shouted up the stairs, “Neville!” She shouted again a second later. I'd get rid of everything after 'stairs'. An hour later… Don't show passing of time in this ...

Nobody noticed when the young woman faded into the shadow of a willow tree and disappeared completely… Get rid of 'when'. Okay, the main problem with this was your editing ...

"Come on, Robert! Come on, George! Let's get onto the boat." My dad shouted toward the docks. My little seven year old brother is Robert. He was adopted from Guatemala. ...

The small pile had turned into a magnificant garden of trees and light, as nothing he had ever seen before. How would he know that without witnessing the change? The ...

In my English class we read part of Dandelion Wine, stopping at the part where Lavinia runs home after the movie from what she thought was the lonely one. In ...

I cringed each time I was forced too Change 'too' to 'to'. Other than that, the person above me caught everything else. Quick guess. When you say she falls in ...

It wasn’t early for already the sun was laying warm slashes of light across his bed and the street four stories below his window was a crush of noise though ...

Just so you know, I didn't read the other critiques, so pardon any repetition. Besides, two opinions on one thing are always better than one, right? After a few minutes, ...

The girl was surprised, why had the man just given it to her? You need a period, not a comma. You do this in a few other places took, but ...

I almost felt the needle pinching into my arm He almost felt it? How could you not feel a needle digging into your arm. I would get rid of the ...

A quick note before we begin. I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon any repeats. as their victims souls left thier bodies You mean 'their' not 'thier'. into the ...

Hey, welcome to YWS. Before we start, I want you to know I only read a bit of the other critique so don't be surprised if I repeat stuff. With ...

Shivering slightly in the cold, Nita leaned over the... I'd personally get rid of the 'slightly' part, but things like this are up to the writer. I just think having ...

his eye-watering bleach blonde hair spotless I don't like the phrase 'eye-watering' here. It makes me think too much of mouth-watering, which gives me a really weird picture. Maybe you ...

These are getting better and better. I have to disagree with Kylan (not with his review, but about the style). I love these journal things since it is more real ...