kshsj777

Well Allison finds out eventually. Once again, I will try to work on the dialogue. Thanks so much for taking the time to read it. I know the jewel/legend thing ...

Okay, I'll try to work on the dialogue. Thanks for the critique! Just so you guys know, I'm hearing impaired, so it's more difficult for me to write realistic dialogue.

Thank you for the critique. I had posted this on another site and gotten similar comments about the dialogue. I will put in the changes I made there, and hopefully ...

Scott goes over to one of the control panels and types in some commands. A visual recording comes on the viewer, and a red background comes on with the traditional ...

Thanks jonny. But the fate of the galaxy IS at stake. You'll have to read more and find out why.

Thanks hummingbird. But it will be a while before I post any more of Safe Haven. Sorry :(

It was funny! I'm not sure what else to say.

The scene with Ada was confusing. I didn't understand what was going on. However, I did understand the beginning, and I think it's cool that he's black mailing the Commander. ...

"The thought of the king surveying his palace only to find wet laundry and long clotheslines was just too funny." shouldn't "and" be "on"? "The protections we twelve mages of ...

I got really confused when I read it. At first I thought that Alexis was narrating both the prologue and chapter 1 so I was confused when the Dad called ...

Yeah, there is some telling in there, but it's not so bad. Try to fit some of the information into action and dialouge instead of just narration. "For the raven ...

First of all, nobody wants to critique five chapters at a time. Please only post one chapter or one half of a chapter at a time. Thank you.

Two men in business suits climbed silently out of their car, and strode up the driveway to a suburban one-story house. They quietly started surveying it. Several toys were scattered ...

"Elena... Hmm? Huh? Wake up... Uh, no thanks. Not interested. I kinda like all this quiet. I mean it. Get up right now, little lady. ... Mom? Mom, is that ...

"Youga commanded himself as he ran threw the back alleyways of Arafta." threw? "Youga was being chased by a member of the Mage’s Police. Why? Because he had stolen some ...