chocoholic

I'm really not in a critiquing modd, so this will be short. I found the dialouge a bit unbelieveable, but I think it's funny. I like what you suggested, but ...

That's horrible! I hope the guy is found and gets a life sentence, it's sick.

Hmm... I quite enjoyed that. It was interesting at the start, but I did get a bit bored near the end. I think there should be more conflict or something ...

Okay, your formatting was all weird again and it was very hard to read. You need to fix it up. Anything I say would really just be repeating myself from ...

That used to happen to me loads. I would start something, and then move onto something else and never go back. Finally, I finished my first novel. It wasn't very ...

That was very hard to read. Your formatting needs work. Not only have you not double-spaced, you've barely got paragraphs. Take a look at this: "Give it back you twerps!" ...

First of all, you need to change your formatting. It's weird. I found the dialouge very fake and unatural. Nobody I know actually talk like that or just say what ...

Lillian; Human I spent most of the night standing and watching everyone. The party was boring, and the girl wasn't doing what she was supposed to be doing. That damn ...

Lillian; Human There was a knock on my door. "What?" I shouted. "Who is it?" "It's Cathy," a voice said. I stood up and opened the door. A girl walked ...

What to say, what to say? Well, for one, I love you YWS! Seriously, I don't know what I'd do without you! I've only been on a few months and ...

Lillian; Human I dragged the girl away from the window. "Now what's your name, sweety?" "Cathy," the girl said timidly. I nodded. "Yes. Alright. I'm Queen Lillian. You've probably heard ...

Nice. I liked it. I want to read more, because it was short and a bit rushed.

I like what you're writing, but I'm having trouble with the way you're writing it. A story like this is hard to pull off, and quite frankly, you're not doing ...

Lillian; Human My carriage was stopped in the middle of the street and a grubby little girl pressed her face up to my window. I looked at her with disgust. ...

Aww... now I feel special. Hehe. Sorry, no suggestions apart from spacing out your writing.