carelessaussie13

It's kind of...clunky. "Glances to the noise of the beeps" You can't look at a noise. :wink: "Protected by beeping machines, not family" This is very tell-not-show. In fact a ...

I know this poem has intense personal meaning to you, that's very clear, and I sincerely wish you peace, but this poem is lacking something. Who is this Marine? Your ...

Ditto to what Claudette said. Pay attention to her. Mostly, she knows what she's doing. 8) As for the poem, I'd like to add that the rhyme seemed forced, as ...

Hello Okay. I felt to sad when the bird died, do kudos for making feelings, but the whole 9/11 thing seemed unnecessary. At least for the purposes of this poem, ...

A couple of questions--What is the curse of the Wolf? Why is the boy serving Sensei Taanari?Why does the pirate have a grudge against these two in particular? Why are ...

I think the issue here is that you're putting too much plot into what is clearly trying to be an emotional poem. Try this. Take out everything that is about ...

Pretty much everything that can be said has already been said, but I'd just like to point out that there are a billion poems out there with the title Darkness. ...

wow. It took me a few stanzas to get that it was an artist talking to the river, but then I reread it and it was absolutely beautiful. The Good ...

Funny! *giggles while eating, spills food on self* Um, it seemed like the rhyme kind of stopped. The first four lines were great, really great, and then it just kind ...

I know you're not supposed to forward fiction, but this is continued from a post called Nova Terre. It isn't necessary to have read the prologue, but it will help ...

PROLOGUE Day Twelve Day Twelve Calm waters, gray clouds, repairs to bowsprit, Rolo paused, the pen dripping ink onto the page. Father was supposed to do the ship’s log, not ...

This is very good, a wonderful idea. One thing bothered me. In the last stanza, you simply said that it was man's own attempted chronicle and the whole stanza had ...

Is this about cutting? here's something to think about. Consider using more romantic words, like luminescent and resplendant. I mean, don't necessarily use those words exactly, but try words you ...

Imagery is definitely an issue here. There are a lot of poems about dreaming out there, and ninety percent have the title DREAMING or DREAM. Try going for something more ...

This is probably the worst crit I've ever written, because I have no idea what I'm saying. This poem was very, very good, but something was off. The imagery seemed ...