carelessaussie13

Fand is wise. Listen to him. He pretty much said everything, though, so I'll just add one little nit-picky detail. There was one line that you repeated, "Because you were ...

Hmmm....how about Beginning to See as a title? There were a few points when I was reading this when I had to stop and reread, to get the gist of ...

I disagree. I think the n thing was distracting and juvenile, kind of unofficial. The poem itself was pretty good though. I felt like the rhythm was off a lot ...

Hi. Question: why did you take something this long and turn it into something so brutally short? I can totally see this story as one of those great ones that ...

Boy, that was dense! That formatting is great on WordPerfect or whatever program you use, but it doesn't work for us readers. It hurts the eyes. On to the big ...

I feel like I've read this before. This is the kind of thing where you find yourself skipping a sentence here and there, knowing you won'rt miss anything important. It ...

actually, the message kind of was the beauty of nature. Thanks anyway, goys. I'll definitely think about the title.

Softly, wanderer, do not disturb this night, for in this perfect stillness lies the magic you seek. Sit by my fire and listen to the whisper of the grasses as ...

This short story is breaking one of the most basic rules of writing. You guessed it! You're telling, not showing. Show us what's going on in the writer's head, rather ...

Ummm..... I actually didn't read all of this, because I knew what I wanted to say in my critique as soon as I read the first sentence. It just. . ...

Gadi pretty much said it all. But if you do choose to rewrite this rather than scrap it, be sure your lines are more of a uniform length. This had ...

A quick suggestion: in the first line, you bluntly state the simile that you carry through the entire poem. It's a beautiful comparison, but it's the entire poem summed up ...

Um, why should I care? I don't intent to go around poem-bashing or anything, but I really don't care about the children. I suggest going back through and thinking about ...

May I offer a resounding WOW accompanied by much applause and foot-stamping? I know it's epic poetry, but it's kind of indigestible. Like Moby Dick. Try shorter stanzas.

Just a quick comment--Always work of punctuation before posting a poem. If it works for you in the first draft, to just get the idea out without bothering with those ...