canislupis

Hi! you should have told me about this story! anyway, my comments are as follows: I always love stories where the inspiration is actually from something that happened, or that ...

this was interesting and it kept my attention. you did the graphis parts pretty well, and the descriptions weren't to bad. I actually think you could take this down from ...

good idea, well presented.

ok, I don't normally read this stuff, and it's gross. first of all the rating needs to be at least pg13, probably R. as for the actual writing it wasn't ...

you've got a nice idea, a good character ideas and an ok beggining. When you edit you should focus some energy on the grammatical side since I noticed a few ...

I came upon this sotry by chance, and I have to say that I am glad I did. it is very attention gripping and exciting to read, and you had ...

This is very good for: "your first story" Obviously you have edited it, and it seems to have worked out pretty well for you. I foubnd the beggining to be ...

great job, I really like your approach and the style in which you wrote, and there are no obvious grammatical or spelling errors, so good job there. what's with the ...

Nice job! This is one of those stories where you don't quite understand it untill the end, where it sorta clicks into place. I agree with the other reviewers that ...

Nice piece. You probably should revise some of your ideas a little bit, but otherwise it is pretty good. Jabber the hut already pointed out most of the errors I ...

thanks for the ideas. I will definitely keep them in mind.

good idea. make some things clearer. the dialogue doesn't sound very natural or realistic in some parts, you should change the wording slightly.

your story came accros as very beleivable and genuine feeling. I would also agree about the little kid speech which works really well for you. however, I would say the ...

um, yeah. only one space. some minor grammatical and spelling errors, and you could have revised a few sentences. I reallt like the theme and the idea.

I agree. If you are about to sell this, and try to get it published, it definitely would be a good idea to get it off this site. I liked ...