borntoshop

Hey! Born here :) As Kit said, there wasn't much emotion in this piece. But either way i still liked it. You had a way with words i found, in ...

I really did like this. But i think you might have said cloud abit too many times. Other than that it was a very good piece. :D I've always been ...

My heart thudded loudly and my knees shook under my weight. Please, please, please let the door close. I thought to myself. Pushing myself into the furtherest corner of the ...

Okay, so totally unorginal title. If you have any other ideas could you please tell me? I'm not completely finished, but what do you think about it this far? I ...

As the others said, i really didn't get what was going on. It was very very confusing. And the more confused i got the more i found myself loosing interest. ...

LOVE it! I did see a few gramatical errors, just go through and re-read it. I'm not very good at editing things, so i'll leave that for someone else. I'm ...

WOW! Speechless much? The emotion was really vivid ! It felt like i was there. It made me want to cry when he tucked in his kids and said good-night. ...

Hey, Born here again, as you asked :) *mistakes in red Okay now that you have edited it, i can see better why Gavin wants to kill her. Because he's...weird. ...

Hello ! No body has said anything so here i am :) Well, i think this has potential to be a good story. But you need to make it more ...

Welcome to YWS! :) I think this story has great potential. Although it was only a short couple of paragraphs, it was still very good. Some things could be stretched ...

I agree with most things that people have said here. The constant use of, baby, did get a bit annoying but also its kind of sweet in away. But i ...

Thanks. I have edited it alot since i posted this, so alot of the structure sentences and long paragraphs have changed.

I'm thinking about putting this piece into a Short Story competition. Could somebody please help me fix it up? Tell me what your opinions are. Cheers, Born. :D My body ...

I agree with everything Stella said. Your story seems to be going just a tad to fast, maybe try slow it down? When your MC killed that lady i was ...

Thanks. I wrote this when i was bored, my English teacher says just write and see what happens. This is what happened for me. But i'm not going to finish ...