blackstorm

In the "Thundering throughout it self." part, the "it self" should be "itself" unless it was intentional. Like Fangala, I found the rhythm a little jerky, but other than that ...

I agree with abbisnail that you should maybe change "polka" to "salsa." Also "Oh, bless the moonlight, to free us from night's gloom!" seems to have almost too many words ...

I LUV IT! Wow, this was awesome. Was the "Pieces of her burning heart break" part about anger or hurt about a lover or something else entirely? Just curious! :) ...

Ling fell back into the dirt… yet again. His instructor loomed over him, furious that he had put up such a weak defense. “How can you show such a lack ...

"My stomach tied itself in a sailor’s knot." Maybe "into" instead of "in" would be better. "To a hungry griffin, I was a choice cut of meat." and "Despite their ...

“Good enough for some face to face interaction” needs a period at the end. Other than that, I thought it was awesome. Are there other parts to this story?

When it says "Another Elvaan jumped forth from the shadows and in front of the Elvaan.", maybe it would be better if you said "Another Elvaan jumped forth from the ...

"I Never found out what Gene’s he had." Are all of these capitals on purpose? Why does Faline wear gloves all of the time? It said that she doesn't have ...

“ Why is our baby blue ?!” Stephanie couldn’t understand it either. The stork had delivered a perfectly healthy baby boy, just like they had ordered, but he was blue! ...

Everything was working beautifully. He had gotten past the guards without them giving him even a second glance. Now all he had to do was change clothes and start looking. ...

*bawling* Sniff... Sniff... OK... I think I'm better now. This was so sad! Very good, but sad. The bad grammar mentioned before did halt the flow of the poem a ...

Sorry. Let me explain the "snakes of tempered steel" part. They're not wiggly but the betrayer can move them about so quickly that they seem like a cobra or some ...

"I'm gonna bake some cookies, now." What's the comma for? ""Chocolate chip?" Tamara asked eagerly..." You just threw the name in. Maybe say ""Chocolate chip?" the daughter, Tamara, asked eagerly..." ...

I luv this! It's just as good as I thought it would be from your poem. Make sure to tell me when more chapters come out. I have a question ...

Why would this make you retch? I'm sorry but this is not an emo poem. It is about betrayal. The "gorges of my despair" part is about the despair in ...