biancarayne

Fangs dug into the space between my shoulder and neck earning a scream from me. The earning a scream thing sounds kind of awkward to me. The slight repetition of ...

~I know this isn't good, just an attempt at flexing a stale muse...~ She was the center of my gravity, my equilibrium; my skein of thoughts revolved around her. A ...

This is definitely a very intertesting beginning, though a little rushes so everything is confusing. I think this could use some clarifying. Also, this is a little too short...maybe you ...

mmhmm...um, well for sure this is the most original piece I've ever seen (take that however you want to lol) Can't really give it a serious critique as it's not ...

Mmkay, so capitilize the i's in here. As far as the way the lines were arranged in this and the flow of it, kind of awkward. Punctuation would help and ...

thanks for the comments, people!

Mmkay, so in the first paragraph you change tenses too much... As far as the rest of the story, I do think you should have done more introductions and expanded ...

Of course by all odds Fonnie was there, she was recording the whole ordeal. Sounds awkward...I think maybe you should rephrase that. Also, I think there should be a period ...

So yeah, impossible to really give this a serious critique because it was so hilarious- very, very random. However, like RatchetWriter said, more info on how Daniel/Harry got so evil ...

hoping to hopes...not sure what you meant by that. and yeah with this little bit it is kinda hard to say if it's good or not. although i do agree ...

thanks to everyone who's commented so far!! 8)

I think it would be beter if you wrote twelve out instead of 12... Abruptly, An ear-splitting bell... You need to de-capitilize...err, uncapitilize?? an. Because, if I took you, all ...

Then, of course, things didn’t go too well with Johnny and his white dragon and he ended up [six feet deep]

Very good. Quite nice. I really have nothing else to say in a critting sense. The people above kinda took that away from me. :roll: hehe lol I really didn't ...

she walked herself right up to me, That line right there sounded awkward to me for some reason, although I'm not exactly sure why. curiosity plagued in me, Another part ...