Young Writers Society

If anyone would've asked me who I believed in I would've said 'God the father' or 'Jesus Christ' but lately...lately I've been questioning what I believe about Him, what's true about him, and what's just human construct, and just...I feel distant from Him.
I do believe in a creator, I do believe in spirits and the supernatural, but there are so many different cultures that say many different things about God [or gods], and spirits and it's just...which of them is true or not?
Fear is also playing a part in this I suppose.
I'm still reflecting over certain actions of mine from three to four years ago, and I'm just scared. What if some sins [namely said actions of mine], are unforgiveable, irredeemable. What if I've doomed myself to hell? Because I hurt a lot of people deeply, and...I apologized yes, but then I went on and on about it, and I'm slowly realizing that...that maybe not all of it was genuine. That some of it was just for sympathy, and attention. Not necessarily in attempt to make someone hate themself [though sometimes I wonder if it was that too, I was upset and hurt, and wanted said people I hurt to understand/feel that too]. All of that's messed up behavior on my part and what if...it's irredeemable in the Father's eyes?

Also sorry most of my posts have been Noragami related, I'm just going through a Noragami phase haha-

Idk how anyone elses brain works, but whenever people talk about toxic people, or about how bad such and such person is I feel ugly because...a two years and a half ago I was in a situation where everyone decided I was toxic.
They described me as this rude jerk who hated or 'still hated' people for immature reasons, constantly talked about how everyone ruined my day/and or hated me, or was some emotional manipulator who went on about how sorry I was just to guilt people into hating themselves, and constantly brought up other peoples faults to deflect blame and yada yada yada, and apparently those habits got so bad people started talking behind my back about how bad I was, and one person even told a friend of mine that they'd be better off without me, that talking to me doesn't seem to be very good for them, and 'if I messaged them don't respond, or delete it, you don't need her in your life'
I...I still don't know if I really was that bad of a person, but I do know that, rather people talking about me like that was warranted or not, the accusations hurt me deeply, and even years later, I'm still feeling the effects of the trauma.
Now I want to make one thing clear, some of my actions around the time were horrible, and I am not entirely a victim. I cannot say with good conscience that nothing they said about me wasn't true in some way.
But...even if those words were true, it hurt, it made me all shades of guilty to the point where I nearly felt insane.
And I...I just wish I could stop coming across things that remind me of it constantly. It's been at least two years and a half and more then 12 damn months, I should be over it by now.
But sometimes I feel it's true, I don't really know how to do anything bad say sorry, drag myself into a well of self-pity, and drag others down with me. Damn, sometimes I wonder if maybe, maybe I am just a toxic little brat with covert narracism...
I've tried to change since that wake up call, but there's a part of me that wonders just how much I've really grown since then, and I guess there always will be a part of me that won't let go of the shame, and hurt from realizing all the mean things people said about me were true and I had no-one to blame but my own filthy self, and just...wonder where I went so wrong.