Thirst_23

Here is my first draft of chapter 1. Please help me figure out how to make it even better. (NOTE: Second draft follows below) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Vampires of San Pedro: ...

Ok, thanks. :)

Well...hmm... There's not really a reason why she attacked. She's very much a slave to instinct. The cologne is his blood, and try as she might, she can't resist it. ...

I really don't understand the question.

I literally stumbled across it. It's cool seeing that a few old friends are around.

Wait, so their ants? Ok, I get it. What was the "cave?" you might want to clear that up at the end a little bit more. And I like the ...

*hugs Mesh* Mesh! Mesh, Mesh, Mesh! (Drops away in horror, perfect moment ruined) people better stop dissing my bella. If I ever get published, I will owe huge thanks to ...

Two months ago i didnt know either, but it is an amazing book written by Stephanie Myrer, about a girl called bella swan falling in love with a vampire, who ...

Surrender now, maybe they'll have mercy. What would you do if suddenly found you could fly?

It's called "An Imaginary Life." It's an amazing amount of character in five minutes.

call

Greatly improved from the first chapter. The characters were deeper, and I did a double take when I read about Pink's "special needs." Please give the dead girl a name. ...

two weeks ago, I didn't know they existed. Now, BELLA AND EDWARD FOREVER! (pun intended.)

This is a good foundation to build on. I recomend two things. Nothing brings out awkwardness like READING the story aloud. What your fingers don't know about grammer, your ear ...

To tell the truth, I think that the first section is a little awkward. You might try seeing what the story feels like without it. Remember, your readers are smart, ...