TheEnigma

He waited, silent, by the fire. Watching and waiting. And waiting. He was not an impatient person in general, but for some reason this wait was grinding on him. "What ...

Well-manicured gardens glistened in the sun. Ina and Nikita stood before the slick silver front of the ISCON mall. The mall was quickly living up to its promise to be ...

This was really good. The only mistakes that I would correct is your spelling of loser (you spelled it "looser") and something in your first paragraph: "...were already had..." I ...

You write with beautiful, flowing description that I can't seem to find anymore. Your vocabulary is excellent and I only saw one error, down towards the bottom of Chapter One; ...

Very nice hook-you grabbed my attention right away and that's important-but you have to keep it. I think you can break down both paragraphs into smaller paragraphs that make the ...

This is excellent! I love the conversation between Tristan and your narrator. I also like how you go into depth with the characters, revealing a little of their personal histories--just ...

I like your characterization a lot. Grant's an interesting character and you can make a really good story with him, dacoozed. Just some grammatical things: You have a lot of ...

Horseradish is right, you could definitely expand this. I think your characters are ready to say more. I would suggest that you use a little more dialogue--that's a good way ...