Suzuhara

Hey Elinor, you have a very intriguing premise here, however your story suffers from what I call a "narrator's voice" or "narrator's presence" that gives the feeling as if I'm ...

The slums lined her path. Ramshackle structures that consisted of sheets of corrugated metal stacked atop each other at awkward angles, and behind them the old brick buildings, each threatening ...

This silence is incredible. I can't believe such silence can exist with everything that is going on. But I suppose that all of Manhattan and all of the world is ...

December 10 ..................................... So far I like the simplicity of the character's tone. Makes me think that he's brainwashed, which gives off a creepy feeling. December 15 I had [s]to ...

Through the Kerr Hole Neal lay dispiritedly (sometimes you can replace adverbs with descriptions; so try showing this part) on the hard bed in his cell. There was simply no ...

My life ever since I was twelve has been a great black hole (I think you should try rewording this sentence: Ever since I was twelve my life has been ...

Chapter One "Wake up, you urchin!" A rough voice with a heavy Northern accent grated Bane's eardrums as he stirred himself into consciousness. "What do you want?" he said as ...

Hey Jiggity! This is a bit long so I'll start with the first two stories and do the rest later. Like always, I'm going to do a thorough critique. :) ...

I read the Kite Runner as well and just like you I was taken away. It's an incredible novel that grips you from beginning to end. I really enjoyed it! ...

The stars glared down. It was no wonder. I didn’t know them nor they me; those familiar pin points of light that I had ignored my whole life were now ...

First, this is about 3000 words which most people won't read or critique in one setting. Try posting less than 2,000. Okay, here I go: "Don't fucking move!" (I know ...

A warm summer’s day, a harsh winter night; these things, like all other things we can see, touch, make up the world. Along with these things come all things in ...

It’s always the same before any big mission, Steven mused. Although, he wasn’t even supposed to call this a mission. “A sortie” was the technical term it had been dubbed ...