Stori

You have a good thing here. But you never said what the narrator looked like. *shrugs* It's not that important, but...

Ok, few things I think you could fix. thinking of the actions that accured only five hours ago. Occurred, and spell out "five." As I pulled the phone away from ...

Ok, I spotted an error: I haven't did anything to make them laugh at me. Should be, "haven't done anything." And trust me, I've been there.

Not bad, though the description of the fair reminded me of Eragon. A few nitpicks I want to point out: "I would... it would be an honor," she said fervidly. ...

Ok, ok. Now, really I have a section on her "real life," so I'll post that next.

Thank you, TP! I have a bit more stuff I'm working on, so I'll post when I have a suitable next chapter.

Kai pulled the door open and was met by-- nothing. Or not exactly nothing; there was a sort of shimmering white haze. Shielding her eyes, she called out, "Hello? Is ...

It kinda sounds like Javier is trying to do the girl in. I mean, she doesn't know her own name, and he says, "It worked!"

This is tale that will smear you with scarlet red Might want to say "This is a tale..." A very spooky beginning, though.

Nice one singer. so the things that I own, are sure enoug mine should be "enough."

That was good, real good. My white cat licks my hand, I wake up from my daydream, And walk away from the sandman. Kinda jars with the rhythm, maybe try ...

Hello, I'm Kyte. Dunno how good I am at lyrics, but I write fantasy. Epic, modern, I've dabbled in both. Ok, am I boring you? Welcome aboard.

And I wonder if I'm longed, To hear the joyful ones, I think that should be "I've longed." Or perhaps, although I'm a angel I've been made To burn in ...

Ok, I have a small point. My father cremated the remains, under the concerned eye of myself and the flock of ravens... If the hut burned down with Mom in ...

...distraction were least what he needed. Would work better as, "distractions were what he needed least right now." Or, "A distraction wasn't what he needed." Another thing, please don't bog ...