Snoink

The language for the first part is biased towards the girl, talking about how she is so pitiable. Instead, try describing what makes her pitiable. Good luck with you and ...

It was too rushed. Try giving more of an explanation as to his disappearance.

Ah, I knew it.

Granted, but you don't fly well so you'll crash into a billboard and thusly die from terrible advertising. I wish my desk were clean...

It's too long to be humorous and too repetitious to be funny. So... um... yeah. And, you said it was for real hate, but OMG. It seems like you're trying ...

Is it important to write about what you know, or can you take a leap sometimes and write something alilen to you? How much of a leap is good?

Hmmm... Don't start with her in bed Start with her about to go to bed or something. That way, we get a better picture of who she is. Don't rely ...

Thank you, Snoinkus! ...where do the bubbles go? That's what I want to know. :P ...they eventually pop. :P But don't worry! Just because the bubble bursts doesn't mean the ...

Virginia Woolf: "It is worth mentioning, for future reference, that the creative power which bubbles so pleasantly in beginning a new book quiets down after a time, and one goes ...

Small comments... Describe more of the first part. How do the character say it? What is their general location? You don't need to go overboard on it, of course, but ...

Yeah, but DUDE. Seriously, to have it so hot that the skin is peeling off of her? The mother definitely has a case against her.

I like haikus! I may be the only one who does like them in this site, but still! I think that too many weak words are used in this. Like ...

Remember when things were "tight" or "da bomb"? ;)

Well, if it isn't publishable, most likely we'll tell you first. ;) Welcome! :D

Yay! We love twisted stuff! Welcome! :D