SeraphTree

It doesn't seem very personal. Add some thoughts from the Captain, and more dialogue. The voice of the young soldier did not travel far over the sound of the battlefield ...

You're right that it is rushed. :) Part of the problem is that there really isn't a point of view. Who is telling the story?? From the depths of darkness ...

NP. I was trying not to be one of those.... you know... "YOUR WORK IS GOING TO BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!" kind of critics. :D :D :D :D :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Hmmm. The lack of dialogue makes the story seem impersonal, so we don't really get it when Jord and his father reunite :) Also, you keep switching the narrator from ...

Hmmm. Interesting that Protection wants to be a rock star. It gives me a sense of the times, like the end of our world, or something. I like it :D ...

Hmmm. Interesting that Protection wants to be a rock star. It gives me a sense of the times, like the end of our world, or something. I like it :D ...

Gotcha. Sorry about that, I was just slightly worried. :D :D :D Oh, and I just went through all your work, so I didn't wait for a reply. Sorry. >

Yes, I understand that it's like kings and queens, that's why I suggested that you have it given to her in late childhood. That would make more sense, because being ...

Very good, as always. :D :D :D :D :D :D Just a couple of things: When Luna is telling the story, it sounds a little choppy. Try reading it out ...

???? I don't understand how that sentence is confusing, but I will see what I can do. XDXDXDXDXXDXDXDXD........XO If you lived up here, and that was the ONLY water you ...

^^^ Iistengel opened his eyes and looked around. It had to be dawn. He always woke at dawn. Then why am I so tired? He thought, rubbing his eyes irritably. ...

Very good!!!!!!!!!!!! The end really grabbed my attention. It's been a while since I've read the last part, so I was a little like 'huh?' but I quickly recovered :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D ...

Nami seems out of character, and you can't tell who's point of view it's in at the beginning. “I came from Rovenhold. I was a peasant there and I belonged ...

Hello again :D :D :D “Thomas! He’s a friend of mine! How could I forget?” She hit herself on her forehead. “I had promised to go on a trip with ...

First, break up the paragraphs. Big paragraphs prevent people from reading your work. Nami knew that arguing would only make things worse so she followed without resisting him. All the ...