SeraphTree

It's a little confusing. Once in my room, I pulled a leather thong out of my jacket. On it was a single white feather. I know what you mean with ...

Don't worry about it. I do that too. :) You want to get your idea out as fast as possible, right? What I suggest is that when you want to ...

BOM BOM!!!!!! Lovely :D:D:D:D:D as usual. Shandalir ...Chandelier? :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Careful with that name. We might have a candlestick maker :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Yw. :D:D:D:D:D OH... since you want to keep the part where the mare accepts the stallion... I suggest you have one of the servants take her into a separate corral, ...

I agree with FlyingDream about the prologue:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Also, it would be best not to tell us all the characters right off the bat, because it ruins your element of surprise. ...

Kyte has a point. We don't have much background on this character. On to Crit:D : Through the endless plains of snow and bitter wind she tread. Away from any ...

You should probably state that somewhere. Give her a torn mind or nervousness. That would help :D:D:D

Again, very good. There were a couple things though: Suddenly Helena murmered, “Right now, I am guessing that we are right beneath the living room.” How she guessed that Nami ...

Much better :D:D:D hmm. What I notice is that you use lots of description for the girl's feelings. Change some of the things, like when she is really excited. Make ...

I made up the words. :D:D I see why that looks odd... I'll change it. It had relevance before.... but now it doesn't. Why I know so much about this ...

Hmmm.... I think I see why it's confusing now. Thanks Chayonz. I couldn't really see why at first.... I'll see what I can do. :D No, I this story is ...

First, you need to break up your paragraphs. Have a space between each one. It will help break up your story. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Chayonz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You totally, completely, and utterly engaged me with your style!!!!!!! You've embellished Nami, and things make more sense, and things aren

Chanonz!!!!!!! I have't heard this for a while, so please forgive me if I've forgotten bits of the storyline X( Nami woke to a gentle shake. Jord was standing over ...

Okay...... you need to slow down the story. First he's leaving, then he's gone then he comes back, and it happense so quickly, we don't really feel anything for them. ...