SeraphTree

I agree with the other authors that this needs to be mixed up a bit. For example, I think horse back riding, speed skating, and ballroom dancing would all be ...

YW Ducky :D

Yes, cliche, but understandable since you made it so long ago ;) I suggest you elaborate more. add a few examples, etc. :D That's all I can think of :D

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention..... Um, Arion? Maybe YOU should write the story. Not the... other Arion [???]

Okay. I'm sorry, but I have to point this out. If you have to keep explaining the situation to us outside of the story, you aren't revealing enough. You shouldn't ...

Please space between paragraphs. :D Then I will crit. :D:D:D:D:D:D

Your language is extremely stilted. This makes it no fun to read. I mean, we really cant feel for your character at all. She's just pleasantly describing everything to us. ...

I agree with Stella about John asking her out. I mean, since they only met in class, and otherwise [from what I gather] didn't talk to eachother, it makes his ...

Okay.... Are there two people writing the response? This is getting very confusing... YW BTW. :D:D:D:D

YW. I'm here to help :D:D::D:D

*o*" You need to put spaced between your paragraphs. Also, you should probably break this into two posts, because this is huge!!!!!! ;) :D:D:D

Well, what I first noticed was that there seems to be a lot of focus on Arion's friends and what they're doing. We don't really get anything from her. I ...

I understand what you mean, when you say you don't want him to have power over you. You should show that in your work i.e. is he leaving for another ...

Jah, LIH. :D I wasn't sure how to point that out without sounding ...* :D It is interesting though. :D:D:D:D:D LIH [laugh in head]

No, it's not too personal :D Just make it clear that it was someone she already knows, in this or the next post. :D:D:D:D A couple flashbacks would help, especially ...