Ryter

Yes, I switched around from 3rd to 1st person. Just this once, though. I thought it suited the situation better. Thanks for that messed up tense call there. As for ...

Still pretty good. Just a thought though; not much description in the way of scenery. You focus on what's occuring, and while you're doing that we create our own idea ...

Edited: Sorry, guys. This story is no longer canon. Hope you get to see the real thing when it's done!

Edited: Sorry, folks. This story is no longer canon, and has taken a twist for the better. Thanks for reading, and I hope you guys get to read the real ...

Edited: This story was going nowhere fast, and I have decided to remove it. Thanks for reading!

Awesome. Really awesome. Almost every story I've ever read with more than one planet ends up a fluke, mistake, and not worth flushing. This... this works. This really works. On ...

Spooky. Nice french, though. She knew several other languages, and could speak them fluently, including this one, which was French. From what I've seen, a sentence with three or more ...

Ooooh... mighty spooky. But, one body? Where's the baby? Pretty decent overall. Can't say much beyond what I've said. Except you've got a pretty neat story so far. Not much ...

I kinda agree with Vernon on this one. Info-dumping is present, and its not pleasant. Take care to introduce details naturally, rather than putting it in inbetween a conversation. At ...

Edited: The story originally here is no longer canon, and as is such I have decided to remove it. Thanks for reading!

Hmmm..... yes, I'll probably change it so that she runs on two legs. I'm picturing it in my head, and I think, yeah, that just sounds and looks better. As ...

Edited: The story originally here is no longer canon, and I have decided to remove it. Thanks for reading!

Well, I could work in Ada's new powers, but only if I got rid of the note. I need some sort of extension though, to suit the boy. If you've ...

I see... (taking notes) but what exactly is an info-dump? (Whether or not if I've done that here) Thanks for all the critiques!

Edited: The story originally here is no longer canon. Thanks for reading it, and I hope you guys get to read the real thing when it's done!