Rydia

Two small suggestions - Apparently she looks just like me, but I don’t think I’ve ever looked that weak. [Describe her! Say something like ' She has my long, straggly ...

This is a good start but I'd love to see it expanded; written in more detail, filled with atmosphere and emotion. To some extent, the rather colloquial, story-mode works well ...

I helped my rainbows group make lots of pretty flags to wave around the streets but other than that, I haven't really celebrated. I really want fish and chips now...

Raven "That's great, I'm so happy for you, both of you!" Raven exclaimed, hugging Karana tightly and grinning. "Get over here, Ilum. I want to hug you too!" A rather ...

Is he the type to maybe have a drink or two? Only, Stella and Kes could see him while they're out if that's the case and seenas Kes is going ...

The grog must have made it to my system now because there was a somewhat pleasant buzzing in my head. [Both tense and phrasing of this sentence are a touch ...

Kestrel Kes carefully made her way down the hallway, struggling a little with the key, but once she was inside her room, she found that it already felt comfortable. Kestrel ...

Skye Through the window, the sun was starting to sink beyond the horizon and the sky was a painter's easel of red, orange, yellow... "You're up, lanky," a male dwarf ...

Raven "I have a few bruises, but they will heal. I'm just glad it wasn't you who was frozen in my place," Luke said. Raven smiled at him and moved ...

All you could hear now was the boiling kettle. [This is in second person which breaks the flow a little so i'd suggest changing 'you' to I.] I'm glad that ...

Mum was sat next to me, staring more or less straight at the clock above the receptionist ' s head, that ticked away seemingly unaware of the required silence in ...

Yes, we are. I'm off to Tescos in a min but I'll post by tonight. I promise.

“What?!” I screamed. [I think that the question mark is sufficient as the tag indicates the tone of voice used. Using double punctuation really irritates me lately. It looks a ...

It wont be long now, I'm going to move the group towards Ava and tempest next but thanks for being patient and maybe you could have Tempest and Ava meet? ...

Again, a few small points first (you'll soon become familiar with the way I critique prose) - I fingered my electric blue eye liner, feeling like this would belong to ...