Ofour

8/10, me likes

I agree with Misty and BFG. I especially liked the mpersonal touch at the beginning, it added profundity to the poem. It was brilliant.

I won't bother with the main story because it's already been covered: "im am starting a story called Beyond. This is the prolouge." - should be "I'm starting a story ...

lol, make it longer

"And that smile-that Aladdin-esque smile, it was a lie" - change the first dash to a comma or the later comma to a dash, i.e.: "And that smile, that Aladdin-esque ...

Me like, I like the omission of the indefinitive article in the first line. I cannot criticise.

Granted but now you can't write. I wish that smarties rained from the sky.

"and after a moment of self debate" - I think it should be "self-debating" "The strange machines had disappeared, and the fine wood paneling replaced with bare cement walls." - ...

Again, you say not to but I will: "Is the hardest thing ive ever done" - come on, "I've" "Your buried in the soil" - "You're" "I know you loved ...

I like this a lot. The rhythm is smooth and the rhyming is tastefully done. The theme is especially good, its very thoughtful. I can't criticise it.

It's a very nice theme but the 9 out of 11 lines all rhyming doesn't agree with me. It sounds very much like a chant, if the rhythm was a ...

You said not to but I might as well: "A waiting a great fall" - should be "awaiting" "Like a unfinished thesis" - "an" unfinished thesis "Like a director working ...

"taking the chairs like lions taking zebra's organs" lol

Granted but your risk of liver failure quadruples with each sweet. I wish that there was no such thing as money.

For Me A manicured lawn Devoid of leaves Meets the summer dawn By Bapaume near Ypres. On that field, alone, Where poppies grow, Lie men, far from home, Who died ...