Mysty

I've read a few stories about people with this kind of heart failure or who used to have it but get a heart transplant, and I have to say this ...

This is a good start; I'm guessing it's even better than it used to be since you edited it :D The one thing that bugged me through reading it was ...

Welcome :D I'm rather new, too (I just signed up on Friday) but I've found that this site is definitely one of the better ones as far as writing sites ...

One... the forums don't allow indents, so you have to double-space between paragraphs. It makes it much easier. The biggest problem I had was with the beginning. "I, seventeen year ...

Starting to query so AL is down. :)

Just updated this according to suggestions :D Chapter two is going up next.

I really like this! The only thing I was confused about was what age the narrator currently is. Since it's in the past tense, that means she's narrating from the ...

It seems like you know a lot about this story's universe from all the information here, which is a good thing! I'm guessing if you continued with this, it would ...

I can't say this particularly caught my attention. The first paragraph is an info dump, and there's not much going on. Add to the fact that this is a very ...

You seem to be doing a better job here than in the prologue! You have a lot of narrative interwoven with the dialogue, which itself is great. My thoughts reading ...

The biggest problems I had with this is that your sentences in the beginning aren't necessarily run-ons, but they seem awkward. Wordiness, I guess is what you have there. You're ...

Hi! I'm Joana. I didn't notice this forum when I signed up back on Friday, but I did post an intro so :P Anyway. Um. I guess some stuff to ...

The first thing I thought about this was that the voice is very... not passive, but kind of blah. It's like, you need more force in here! Right now the ...

Thanks! And no, I don't mind XD People used to call me Jo all the time. Dunno what happened. Mods can be very helpful! I was a mod at inkpop. ...

Like Sodapoplunchbox, I was very confused through most of this. To make a good, solid story, it's important to have focus, even if you're trying to make it 'random.' It's ...