MiriamHannah

Hi, this is such a great story (I think I'm addicted to reading it) I would say use words instead of numbers the whole '1-4' and '5-8' would sound much ...

Chapter 2 The name 'Aryan' suggests white skin, perfect health and beauty, all of which the race possesses. A powerful dictator once described them as 'pure blooded' and so it ...

A lot better, all of it is a lot better A girl, walking on the street. you might want to change the present to past tense, in the story this ...

Ok good, you've got a good base for a story. The build up makes you think. Patrice stared. Her mouth stood wide open. Her eyes wide with shock. I like ...

Only getting better, I would warn that if you're going to describe as much the whole story is going to be huuuuge. Please keep writing and send me the next ...

a name is your identification. would probably put identity/personality/part of you here instead. So why chop your identity in half? I think I get what you mean but at the ...

Hi I found this really funny, my only thing is that after the pencil i immediately assumed he was going to bite her, i was disappointed that he didn't. However ...

I love twilight, however i also have a sense of humor. This was really good, i burst out spontaneously laughing quite a few times. Really liked spoons, obvious but funny, ...

A car, about 500m away. I like this, this not only shows description but possibly a characteristic of Patrice. Definitely to fast. I would change it to 'too' A girl, ...

Thank you so much for all of the reviews, don't stop now. I've got a load of chapters up and I would appreciate your views on them. I'm slowly working ...

wow, this is really good. I would say that it has the danger of turning into a very obvious romcom and if that is what you're going for than you've ...

Does it become clearer later on why the girl was involved. You really need to make Melissa less involved because it confuses the reader, that is unless you plan to ...

I really like this post and think you have done really well at giving it an emotional edge. Despite this I think the main thing that I would change is ...

Thankyou for your replies, please keep going. I will post up the next chapter at the middle of next week so watch out for it. I have taken on board ...

Thankyou for highlighting the selected changes needed, could i just ask for the next people who read this, how do you think this storyline would go from the first chapter. ...