Liz

Good, I enjoyed this! Your rhyme was natural and the flow was good. Also the subject was entertaining and dealt with in an original way. The only flaws I could ...

In parts your rhyming lets you down. For instance A place where scarlet, violet, yellow meet To please their source, the rising sun they mirror. The syntax is really distorted ...

Hm, not too bad. I like your idea, but I do think you need to make it tighter. The rhyming at the moment seems forced in some parts. I am ...

Nice. You've got a strong, original voice going on here and your simplicity works great. I did feel like the first stanza sank a bit too far in the realms ...

Nice, but as you said yourself, the formal tone doesn't do much for the emotion and message you want to convey. Though the matter of crossing over said line ourselves, ...

Well I would definitely suggest reading it aloud, to get a real feel for the rhythm of the piece. At the moment it's not really clear, and your linebreaks need ...

It throbs in my mouth tonight like a jealousy, like a thwarted hate. As the deep reeks beyond the window on a saturdaynight of cold, of hot rum and warm ...

Quite beautiful, although I think the plot wasn't as effective as it could have been. I think you could turn it into an effective prose piece, because as a poem ...

This is fairly bland. I think what you need is to fix up the rhythm. Try reading it aloud - does it flow like a poem? Your complete sentences make ...

This belongs in the lyrics section. It's not poetry right? Anyway, I'll do my best to critique anyway... I thought it kind of fell down in its bluntness. Of course ...

This could be a strong poem, because you've got a solid idea and situation, but it felt a bit bland to me. It was all a bit overwhelming, because you ...

Solid idea, nice work. The main weaknesses were in your tendency to over-write. You overused adjectives in a lot of parts, and this weakens the impact of your other words ...

Nice rhythm and tone, I really felt it. I did think it was a bit empty - it was hard to cling onto your meaning because there wasn't any meaty ...

Nice. I actually liked the rhythm, it was like hearing a voice speak the poem, so two thumbs up for that. I did think it went on a big too ...

This probably can't be called a poem. Where's your structure, rhythm and heightened, original understanding of language? It's more of a list, or something you would say to someone. It ...