Liz

Very nice. You pulled off the rhyme well - normally I find rhyming poems hard to swallow, but in this poem it worked nicely. Also well done with your imagery. ...

Brilliant atmosphere and strong concept. One small thing - the linebreak at the beginning of the 4th stanza didn't seem to fit with the flow of the rest of the ...

It works better than your first draft. I like the rhythm you've got here and your concept is also interesting. Maybe you could try condensing it a bit further; you ...

You whine three tonight, beneath the sun, white, tied to it like a servile shadow. Your hands mimic it, your numbers outsmart it and make me wait, like a church ...

I like the quirkiness. I agree with carelessaussie, build up some empathy for the character. Your piece is very much character-based, so I think you need to work on the ...

Nice idea, perhaps a little too much ambiguty but that certainly adds interest! I think at times you fell into the trap of being too obvious, for example: That made ...

Not bad, you have a few interesting ideas in here but I think you could have expressed it a little more originally seeing as it's a pretty outworn subject. Also, ...

Strong concept with some really interesting images and ideas. Some of the word choices could probably be re-thought, like the one Staring_at_ceiling pointed out. Maybe "more bitter" or another word ...

The rhythm really does read like more of a story than a poem. However, if you fix this up I think you've got something pretty good...nice imagery and atmosphere especially. ...

I thought it would be boundless, hopeless as my broken skin. But I am mended. We are ended. You cannot sew my lips with a fist or slam them shut ...

For ever I would murder my temple, leave it pining in a polluted field that reeks of my red vodka vomit. I could love you more than that, for ever, ...

The sweat upon my skin crusts like blood tonight, as your guitar picks itself within the ribs of my head. Love, they may taunt me, but it is less than ...

Wow, your imagery in here is beautifully intense. It's very loaded, perhaps overly so. I think that makes it a bit hard to follow at times, maybe it would be ...

I love your tone. It was consistent throughout the whole story, so you really pulled that off well. You also develop the plot really well, and I like the cyclic ...

I also thought this was a really interesting piece. The first say 5 lines and the last couple are probably your strongest, I think you lose the reader a bit ...