Livinginfantasy

First I would like to say that I almost missed out on this. I was about to skip it cause it was too lengthy, but then I saw KJ's post, ...

The topic is alright. What I really liked was the flow. I suggest you try clearing up on punctuation. Some lines seem as if they need periods instead of commas, ...

I like the message. What I didn't like was the irregular rhythm and the words in caps. You should try choosing different words and adding a little more to keep ...

This is my 2nd! Steal It's so sweet how she looks at him, I don't think anyone could care for him more. I wonder why she doesn't take a chance, ...

I loved it. I love you're character Aurora. She's just the kind of girl I'd hang out with! I love your organization as well. It isn't full of complete sentences ...

That was beautiful! I love how it began with 'she only got two hours', it really hooked me. It didn't seem fair, To lose such a precious thing , One ...

:shock: woah! That was brilliant! don’t let me die in silence. cut me open, let the bright freshness of my blood submerge the white darkness of this empty room. use ...

The steps went wrong. The music turned sour. Yet he still smiled, and I believed in his power. I really liked these lines. It's very visual. It's what I want, ...

The stranger smiled, and leaning in, gave me a name, as precious as kin. I happily smiled back, and closed my old eyes, and stopped breathing and was still, as ...

What's up with all the repetition? If cut that out and add actual content, It would be a whole lot better! How can this be a song? Stop relying on ...

WOW! :shock: This is great! you pulled it off with such grace, I almost forgot you were being conceited. After re-reading it, I noticed the little message in between the ...

I loved it! I found nothing wrong, and I found a very powerful message. Are you sure this is your first attempt? :wink:

That was really nice! Being a Naruto lover I was really eager to read this. And you didn't dissapoint me. As another person said, 'eyes full of loneliness' shouldn't have ...

I lie wounded Life's blood slowly slipping away You held that knife The one lodged in my heart You laughed And left me to die alone That was beautiful! :D

That was cute :D I liked how you repeated some lines to show emphasis. I agree with being more descriptive. Hey, for your first time, you aren't bad. Just a ...