KJ

Liked the descriptions. However, a bit too much telling rather than showing right in the beginning. Otherwise I really liked it. The setting was cool, and the plot (what we've ...

Pretty good. Spacing would be good so it's easier on the eyes.

This is just on the first part; I don't have time to review the others. These are the only things that I didn't like: I could’ve sworn I heard several ...

This was pretty good. The only thing that really bothered me was how you used things like, "you said" in reference to the other person. That got a little confusing, ...

I liked the part with the twins. It was funny. As to the rest, it wasn't bad. Write on.

Much better. Good job editing.

Hey. I see that this was posted a while ago, but I'm going to comment anyway. I thought that this was a pretty good start. I liked the quirkiness of ...

What I liked most about this was the descriptions. You do need some spacing after the people speak, though. Pretty good addition. But I feel like we still don't really ...

It was interesting. I felt like you were saying the name "Corrie" far too much, though. And that weird paragraph in the middle needs to be fixed. She says way ...

Have yet again re-downloaded. 3rd (for you) version of this chapter. I've shortened it up, for those of you who hated the length :) Description: Takes place in London, around ...

That was funny. I'm really tired right now, so when I started reading this I forgot that you said you were writing this in a girl's perspective, so all those ...

I'll think about it =P

“Will we ever come back Father?” he asked innocently, looking up into his sire’s weathered face. Comma would be good after "back". And "he" should be capitalized. “I don’t know. ...

"All spirits are enslaved which serve things evil." -- Percy Bysshe Shelley, Prometheus Unbound. Liked this. The machine starts (it is ready). Feel like the parentheses takes away from the ...

Curdled moonlight writhed on the blade as she held it on high. Dusky pines formed a ragged circle around her, like teeth tearing into the star-strewn blanket of the sky. ...