KJ

He sounds formal, as if he were planning on firing me, not murdering me. Writing in present tense. Should be as if he is. Everyone has got everything else covered, ...

Hey. Here's my edit on Chapter One:

Okay, there were quite a few things that I found and wanted to point out, but I have almost no time left and here are two parts that stuck out ...

Very lovely. I really found nothing to nitpick, and I kind of hate that... Here one thing (and it really is pathetic): I didn't like how messy the breaks were ...

It's finally here. Sorry it took so long. And it isn't even that much... NITPICKS: “Honey!” She’s frantic now, but he doesn’t look up, doesn’t acknowledge her. This felt awkward ...

Hey, Ash. I've already made and given you my corrections. But I have to again emphacize, as Esme already has, that slave's should not act as Lyra did. They were ...

Detail: While I've edited it, I still feel that this is an extremely rough chapter. I found it difficult to write. I wanted to keep it entertaining and yet give ...

NITPICKS: In the hotel that we were staying in, they thought I was his mother. I skimmed the other comments, and I have to agree when it was mentioned that ...

I found Rizpah ANNOYING. More so than Bella. She was always all, "Oh give me my son" and she seemed really weepy and self-righteous at times. Like the time she ...

Hey Ash. Haha I feel spoiled. All the others have yet to see more chapters of this, but I already have! (Teehee) ~Shameless Advertising~ Just you wait, fellow readers! It ...

Hey. In general, I like the idea of this. However, as you seem to be aware of, this needs work. I don't have much time but I wanted to point ...

This was funny. I don't know if you meant it to be, but I actually laughed. Just one thing: Stealthily, I advance towards the kitchen table, to confront a small ...

Hey. In general, I liked this. The only thing I can think of right now to suggest is to slow it down a bit. Preferably around the part where you ...

NITPICKS: I didn’t even realize it was happening the first time it happened. This is not good for a beginning sentence. I've learned that beginning a piece with I is ...

I am here just to give you simple opinion. I have two huge issues with this: First, I think that you should expand the entries. They're far too short for ...