Jerikas

The plot is good but you don't give much desciption of the scene, why are they there? Where are they? and so on and so forth. Also the beginning is ...

Very funny and easy to read. Makes a difference to the books i've been reading recently. Any problems I noticed have either been said already or I've forgotten them. Looking ...

This seems like two cliches stuck together which is a bit wierd but I think it makes it interesting and fairly origional. Some of your writing appears a bit conversational ...

I really like this story and the title is great too. I can't really see anyway you could improve other than what some of the other people have said so ...

Thanks, I see what you mean, fallingstar, about Wolf being pushed out a bit and I'm going to try and add him in a bit more. I also see Adam's ...

Sorry about the spacing of this but I'm not quite sure how to fix it. ____________________________ Regan lay on the mossy ground watching the grey clouds pass over her. She ...

This is good but it shows no emotion, it might be better if you added a bit that showed how the girl felt. Also at the start i couldn't tell ...

It's a wall of words and almost impossible to read. Ever heard of paragraphing? Also when you write speech, new line for each person saying something. This all seemed a ...

I still don't think you showed me this but I remember the idea. Its good but a bit short and I don't get this line 'To the Hadza of East ...

You said 'pudding in her head' on the last line of the third paragraph, sorry for not putting that before.

Vertually the same as emotion less, its just a wall of words and so it's almost impossible to read. You need to look at you paragraphing and how to write ...

This is cool, it leaves you thinking. A few points though; You say 'smiling sadly at her image in the dirty puddle' then say 'headed down a dry stream. ' ...

Thanks. This was a sort of spur of the moment type thing. I agree with the fact that it's a bit disjointed which I will work on probably tommorrow I ...

You cannot capture a feeling. Pictures will show an event, a memory, but it cannot capture a feeling. Words, although they can describe anything, they cannot capture a feeling. A ...

Thanks for the crit I'll tell the friend who wrote it. She actually wrote on the bus to school which I reckon is quite an achievement.