Jerikas

I beseech you child of our time Who wanders in the everlasting light And holds the hand of god In his own sweet palm You who can take the demons ...

mine is or

Sorry, missed that bit.

I've joined but I'm going by the name of Apache now.

This would be really good in one of those anti-bullying magazine things. It's interesting and there were no typo that I noticed but it did seem bit unbelieveable, the parents ...

Planning Normally I suggest planning because when I just dive in my stories fail because I have nothing to show me what my ideas were at the time. A plan ...

I think the idea of the story is good and the twist at the end will be interesting. I'm just wondering how old the daughter is because it could affect ...

Ok I have read several books the could be classed as disturbed, 'I Am Legend' by Richard Matherson has got to be one of them - its about the only ...

You need to divide up you paragraphs, it's really hard to read (probably partly because its late) Put a double space between each paragraph to make it easier. I'll crit ...

This seems good. You need to space out your paragraphs a bit more and they don't interlink with each other very well either, I kept losing track at certain points. ...

This is good, especially for a first chapter. You set the scene well and create an interest that makes the reader want to continue. Your character dovelopement for the main ...

This seems good although a bit broken up but don't you think it should go into romantic fiction? unless the story will change to a different point.

This seems good and I'll be interested to see where it leads. Ok problems, there were a few typos that I noticed which are easy to change. You should put ...

The end was not what I expected but the accident was a bit cliched. If you change the accident to something different like him just coming back or something more ...

It was very fast moving and the charater seemed very calm for someone who thought they were going to die in the next few minutes. I think if you added ...