Jay

You've definitely got a good start going. What's the main plot in the story? It sounds like it's going to be sports-oriented. I suggest giving Vanessa and Chris more personality, ...

It could be an interesting concept, but I'm not sure I completely understand this. At the moment I've got the idea that there's "the man", who is like a personification ...

I like the idea but I can see where you'd have trouble-it sounds so complicated and theoretical it will be hard to write it. I suggest you plan out each ...