GML

She had utterly abandoned the childish attractions she had felt for him in the past when he had rejected her, and had matured to caution around him. Take out "utterly" ...

There is too much telling instead of showing. I know it's hard, but you have to do at least some showing when they are breaking into the house. You also ...

I was confused as to whether these things surrounding the MC were vampires, another type of monster, or just evil humans. You say they're night soldiers, then call them parasites, ...

I know my mom is right next to me. Just to make sure, though, I stretch out my hand and brush against her familiar skin. The MC seems pretty sure ...

You have a nice variety of characters that you follow and interesting stories to accompany each. I do wonder why you start out with a character whose story you never ...

To me, there were too many characters introduced in this opening. Not that I couldn't keep them straight, it just seemed a bit much to me. I also felt myself ...

Beautiful. I can't think of another word to describe this. I'd say this is my favorite piece I've read on this site so far--by far. It was right then, I ...

1) Are the characters credible? Do they need some fleshing out? I think only Lydia needs some fleshing out. The character of Raymond was brilliant. I could feel his emotions. ...

I really don't like the name of Alan for the character. I don't know, your description of him and their age didn't make me feel like that was his name. ...

Wow. Just wow. I really felt this piece. Very depressing thoughts of this woman. I especially loved that description in the last paragraph starting with "Like a moth to the ...

I thought the paragraphs that described the newspaper article the MC was reading were way too tell-tell. They were boring and I lost interest. I think you can mix in ...

I have to agree with valiant with the format. I like it with a sentence per line. Because it's so short and each sentence matters so much, I think it ...

It was okay. It didn't grab me though. The plot isn't that grabbing, so to make it a good read you need some extraordinary writing. Your writing was pretty good. ...

BRADBURY STORIES by Ray Bradbury, of course. God, the man is too brilliant for words. I've already read a lot of the stories within the book, but some of them ...

I have to agree with GryphonFledgling... I'll read it once you fix it up.