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This is a prime example of bubblegum rhyme--simple rhymes that really have no purpose other than that: to rhyme! These are actually not beneficial to your poetry, but detrimental. Try ...

Just as Kitty says--you should complete your work, or at least have it in an advanced stage of editing, before you post it on YWS. You have to give us ...

I agree with Kitty and Ed. I think you need to use stronger words and stronger images--give the poem a backbone, so to speak. As it is, it's kind a ...

It's got a message, and the rhyme works--but the imagery, will pretty and well-conveyed, isn't anything spectacularly eye-catching. Try using more powerful words to really catch your readers interest.

This really isn't a poem at all. Kitty's suggestions would put it more in a poetic form, but when what you have is nothing more than navel-gazing, what's the point? ...

*Snorts.* Amusing, and I know just the sort of person you're talking about. Of note, though: "arterys" should be "arteries."

Jack picked out my only nitpick. This is a really gorgeous poem, whence, in your typical dark and dense style--other than S2, it's perfect. You're quickly becoming my favorite poet ...

I love the first image, of kissing the pencil lead--after that, it really loses steam. The "You permeate my art" bit broke any flow you had going, too, since it ...

My ears will pop With change in height And a change in thought Will have things popping Too. I love this! It's got a great, almost jazzy feel to it. ...

Actually, wewinwelose, it's either 'til or until . Try checking your facts before you advise someone else, hm? Daenesh: This poem is, as Claudette says, a prime example of navel-gazing. ...

This poem is tripe. The idea of it is overdone, and you're not expressing it in any original or aesthetic way. Also, you should note that it is not necessary ...

It feels awkward sharing my writings with my mother or sister, because they're just--well, they're not writers. They don't have the urge, they don't understand the urge, and they don't ...

D'pends on if he was a good friend or not, dunnit? - Jimtide Amory Na--I'd find some way to save us both, I would. - Torrom Amory Or you could ...

The forced, backwards structure and the archaic language is too much. It forces the reader to stop and think and try to figure what the heck you're talking about--which you ...

Indeed I was, lol. I'll admit, I'm not British, so I wouldn't know--but I've never heard a Brit refer to their flag as "the red, white, and blue," whereas that's ...