Dynamo

All in all, it's pretty good. There are some places where your sentences run off into another paragraph before they're even finished. You should fix that. I did see a ...

To tell you the truth, I couldn't even read through the first paragraph. I know you worked hard on this piece of writing and it's probably pretty good, too. The ...

(We don't need to kill off any characters. Just to give you all a little warning, there's going to be some swearing in this post.) Before Kestrel could answer, though, ...

Not too bad at all. You were able to be descriptive without using any inappropriate words, which can be a challenge for most people. The only suggestion I have is ...

Kai, the real Kai, cut down the enemy Hollow with one final strike. It howled in agony as its body faded away into the air. He sheathed his giant sword ...

Here's an easy way to become attached to your character. Every time your character is faced with a problem have him or her react to it the same way you ...

Hmm... Not much I can suggest to make this chapter better. Well, it's obvious that this is taking place later in your character's life, but how much later? If you ...

Overall, a very good start. The one thing I can suggest is near the beginning where his mother stares out of the window. We already know it's night, but at ...

I found that you used the words snow and hills a little too often. I know there aren't a lot of words that you can use that mean the same ...

It's pretty good, much better than what I can come up with without at least three rewrites. The only thing I saw was this: Moments later, an explosion ripped through ...

8/10 Meh.

The others nodded, indicating that they too were eager to get out of this place. Dynamo walked over with Renegade a few minutes later. "Kai?" Dynamo said, "I believe Renegade ...

(Sorry for the late post, I wanted to get it up this morning but I ran out of time and had to save it on a Word document and finish ...

Again with what I said with your last chapter it feels like there's too much dead space between your paragraphs. In fact, the first two paragraphs in your chapter can ...

(I'll be camping all weekend so I won't be able to post until Monday.) Luke held Raven tight in his arms. "I'm sorry I made you worry," he said. "Uhh, ...