Deadman

was

*Receives infinite energy.* *Inserts my infinite amounts of stress.*

Dutifulreader

Granted, but it sucks really really bad. I wish that I could finally get some good news.

Fortunately, that's not a huge deal, Daddy's little girl just got a new desk.

Fortunately, It wasn't attached to anything important, just an ordinary desk.

You stub your toe and can't handle the pain so you hang yourself.

Unfortunately, you are out of fuel.

Unfortunately, this is a really Helicopter, and you lack the knowledge of how to use this particular model.

Unfortunately, after the helicopter finds you, the Pilot has a heart attack. There we go, it didn't crash, you just can't fly it. Try not to be a Mary Sue ...

You see a cute little puppy on the side of the road, and you go over to pick it up. On your way you see many warning signs telling you ...

An anvil falls out of nowhere and hits you on the head, smashing your skull in and you die.

Unfortunately, you will remain that way.

Far from Home by Five Finger Death Punch

There