AyumiGosu17

Anna held up a hand, indicating for them to halt. "What?" Jake blurted, looking around. "Hush," she hissed. "We're here." It was an old building, probably from a hundred years ...

"That's none of your business!" one of them snapped. Ayumi's patience had run thin. She couldn't tolerate anything else. She held up her right hand, white-hot flame enveloping it as ...

Alrighty...um, let's see... Yeah, it may be me, but it seems your arms are out of porportion. They're too narrow/long, maybe both. And it may be just the way I'm ...

:/ Well, the street talk was a bit harder to understand, but it fits. And you described Quinn so that he's much more realistic, and it gradually introduces you to ...

Ayumi bounded over to Isumi, ready to use her own kekkei genkai if necessary. "Are you all right, Isumi?" she asked. "Yep," he answered. Ayumi looked at the ninja he ...

"But what if you fail? What if you underestimate her and play your moves wrong?" Anna whispered, leaning closer. "What then?" "I won't underestimate her! I will save Elizabeth!" "Or ...

(Good. I've got her pissed off. Now, time for the game to begin.) Anna led the two boys down a dark alley, across a deserted street, and into a loud ...

Ayumi stopped, studying the landscape and the group before them. "A welcoming party," she commented. "I just hope they're friendly." Emi nodded. "We don't need another fight." "No, especially not ...

Obviously the italics don't work...it's got to be my computer! It works whenever I post at school or elsewhere! Ugh!

LMAO!!! That last scene was funny! LOL! Once again, you need more commas and semicolons. Wonderful, Vernon! Absolutely wonderful!

I must take note of your comma errors. There are several places where you need commas or semicolons, definately. Aside from that, it's very nicely written. It's adding a nice ...

Hahaha! Surprises, surprises! Interesting, how you're revealing Quinn's past! And he -- or should I say SHE -- is hilarious when she's drunk! lol

Anna knew that presence. She knew that smell of someone who loved cats. (She's come back, huh?) She beckoned for Jake and Gared to follow her. "Let's go this way. ...

Okay...I agree with La Vampiress. I didn't expect ANY of this from you! Ohh...I felt awkward reading this...*shudder* I know now why you hated writing this chapter...

Loved the flashback! And you're hinting at Quinn's past, which adds another nice touch. Keep up the good work!