Young Writers Society

HIYA Rememberme here just saying I know this isnt the best poem but review please and be honest(: I wrote this about my first love.

I met you when I was to young to understand
True love that develops between a woman and a man
I knew I liked you, so much more than I could even say
And as I grew older the more countless words you took away
Then I saw you with that look in your eyes
That's when my love for you started and came alive.
Unable to contain myself I gave it all to you
Ready for our new life to start and our teenage years to be through
I dreamt about our childern and a house
I was content with the thought of you being my spouse
So when I say "I do" It will be my final wish
Because your the one I will spend the rest of my life with <3

Hi
Overall, I think this poem was quite nice with just a few things sorted out.

That's when my love for you started and came alive.

Quite frankly, this line is not effective and seems to shake the strength of the whole poem, so I'd suggest re-writing it for a more effective impression.

the more countless words you took away

What do you mean by this?

Because your the one

Since it's "You are", "you're" should be there
Other than those few bits, I could almost feel the sweetness radiating from your poem there )
Well done and keep writing!

Hello! I'm Lacey and I'll be reviewing today! I hope I can help.

I put needed punctuation in bold, and made them red, inside of the quotes.

I met you when I was to young to understand,

The first 'to' should be a 'too'

True love that develops between a woman and a man.
I knew I liked you, so much more than I could even say.
And as I grew older the more countless words you took away.
Then I saw you, with that look in your eyes.

That's when my love for you started and came alive.

I don't know what it is, but this line throws me off.

Unable to contain myself, I gave it all to you;
Ready for our new life to start and our teenage years to be through.

I dreamt about our childern and a house

The words 'house' throws off the rhythm. Maybe 'picket fence' or something like that would make it flow better.

I was content with the thought of you being my spouse,
So when I say "I do" it will be my final wish,
Because you're the one I will spend the rest of my life with.

The less than 3 (a.k.a, the heart) is really strange at the end.

Okay, so I think this poem really has potential. Right now, it's very literal. Adding imagery will add to the potency of the poem. The first example I could think of was one that was taught to me. Think of something completely normal and make it into something extraordinary. The moon was once said to be a horse in a poem.

'Nails beat down on the roof of my house, but only over my father's head.' This was another example he gave, one of his own works. Once you get such imagery in, things start to pop. Something random for your first line might be, "Our meeting was with my child's ignorance." or something that's more you. It's your poem, so have at it!

Oh, and never forget punctuation. That was one of the first things I learned here and I now bestow it on to you.

I really hoped I helped you!

Write on,
Lacey

In my opinion this poem was really sweet. But I'd correct two things

rememberme wrote:I met you when I was to young to understand

You have the wrong word "to", should be "I was too young to understand" as in:
I'm too weak, or I want to go shopping too

rememberme wrote:Because your the one I will spend the rest of my life with <3

I'm unsure about putting <3 in the poem. And that is just my opinion. But it's supposed
to represent a heart so it's probably best to keep it in

This is a really sweet poem Remember!! And it's not bad, you're getting there! Here's just a few comments:

I met you when I was to young to understand
True love that develops between a woman and a man

You did a great job with iambic pentameter here! It's especially important to do so in the very beginning to make a good start and you absolutely nailed it.

* And "to" in line 1 should be "too."

I knew I liked you, so much more than I could even say
And as I grew older the more countless words you took away
Then I saw you with that look in your eyes
That's when my love for you started and came alive.

• Alright so here's where you start to loose the beat. You had such a great thing going there. If this were a more free form poem, I wouldn't mind, but you started with a constant syllable pattern and you must follow through here. This means counting syllables. I know that's SO tedious, but to make your poem smooth and not choppy, it's important that you do so.

~~~~~

Okay so as the poem drew to an end I started to get a sort of obsessive romance feeling. You begin talking about a childish romance and you stay like that throughout the poem. Suddenly you start talking about marriage and that's enough to deter the guy and the reader. To make that transition a little more graceful, incorporate some transition thoughts. I don't want to write your poem for you, so just think of some words that would ease your huge ideas smoother.

Also, I noticed how your whole poem was onebigchunk. I'm afraid that this onebigchunk of poem is swallowing up all your ideas. Don't pack your ideas into one monster stanza. Keep it simple and let your words breathe. Divide up your ideas into different stanza's. You've got a great rhyme pattern going so that's a place to start.


You have some brilliant ideas and a great start. I'd love to see this poem live up to it's full potential.

Forever Threnody