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Shifters: Chapter 16



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Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:14 am
Spitfire says...



Chapter 16

A soft knock reverberated from the door. My body instantly went into defensive mode, ready for any potential plans of Ben’s. It’s only when I heard a distinctive cough that I let myself relax.

“You can come in,” I called. Tony installed himself more comfortably on my bed.
Greyish hair peeked into the room, followed by Nicolas’ kind face. “Am I interrupting?” he asked.

“Not really. Tony was just showing me how to summon a weapon.” I proudly lifted my sword before me. “Her name’s Fulgora.”

He entered the bedroom completely, crossing it to me. Lifting his palm, he silently asked permission to hold it. I handed him the hilt, watching his face for any reaction as he inspected it. As much as I wished to simply brush it off, deep down, I really hoped he’d approve of my weaponry choice.

Finally, after skimming over the blade one more time, he puckered his lips and nodded. “She is a thing of beauty.”

I could practically feel the enormous smile gather on my face. “I know, eh? I-“

Before I started on a long speech about its appearance, Nicolas cleared his throat loudly. The kind of loud that means something needs to be said right then. I shut up, knowing it had to be urgent for Nicolas not to be able to wait a minute longer.

He glanced to Tony, who’d been quiet so far. His attention veered back to me. “Would you care to walk with me?”

“Of course”

***

I drew my scarf tighter around my neck. “What’s wrong?” I asked after what had felt like the millionth minute of silence.

He must’ve noticed the worry in my voice. “Nothing terrible, I assure you.” He lifted his legs over a fallen branch that cut across the forest’s path. “The police believe they have discovered your parents’ murderer.”

I froze to the spot. “Wh-What? But I thought-“

He stopped as well. “I know. That is the reason why I said the police believe so. Who am I to doubt them?”

I smiled, my feet restarting their initial pace. “That’s sneaky.”

His face turned into one of genuine disapproval. “I prefer to view it as trusting our fellow man,” he said with a wink.

I laughed. “If it makes you feel better, think that way.” I kicked at a pile of gathered leaves.

“I shall.” He took in a deep breath. “However, this is a little more problematic, I must say. The detective in charge insists on meeting you and having you look at the suspect.”

“What am I supposed to do then?”

“Tell the truth, or the most of it, in any case. You know of no enemies of your parents nor who murdered them, and so on.”

“But I do know; it was a pixie. You said so yourself.”

“That I did, but we can never identify for certain which pixie did the deed, so you are not, in truth, lying.”

I shrugged. “I guess.” I ducked under a low branch. “What about the suspect, though? We can’t let him pay for something he didn’t do!” My stomach churned at the mere thought.

“Of course not. The only evidence they have against her is a hair on your mother’s clothes, which proves nothing as she is a co-worker of your parents and could have easily lost strands on them. Nevertheless, she was given an excellent alibi, I hear, by some distant...cousin of hers. Thus, if ever it is asked of you, you have never laid eyes on that woman before. Agreed?”

“Agreed.” But something he’d said kept pocking at my mind. After thinking over what he’d said, I finally caught on. “You wouldn’t happen to be her distant cousin, now would you?”

“Nonsense. I have no kin, save you, here.”

“Ah, so then you only posed as one?”

“Now who would ever do such a thing?” he said seriously, although you couldn’t mistake the soft grin on his lips.

I held in the urge to laugh. Who’d have thought the man was so...sneaky? “When does he want me there? I’m guessing I have to go down to the station.”

He nodded. “As soon as possible were the detective’s words.”

“As soon like now? Right now?”

“If you wish to, yes, we could go immediately.”

I checked the time on my cell phone. 7:08. Although I didn’t want to, it was still early enough. Plus, it was better to do it quickly and not procrastinate about it. “Let’s get this over with,” I said with a gulp.

***

“Are you sure?” the short, plump man asked me, taking a sip of coffee before setting it back onto the table.

“Yes! How many times do I need to tell you? I’ve never seen her before!”

The detective shrugged. “I’m only trying to do my job, Miss.” I was used to this detective – Detective Devereaux – calling me miss, but lately I was getting the impression it was more of an insult than an actual courtesy.

He took the pictures of Carla Santos, the suspect, and put them back into the case file paperwork. “I don’t know what to tell you, Miss Evans-“

“Neither do I, detective,” I cut in dryly.

“-Other than this is looking very bad for you.”

That took me by surprise. “Oh? How so?” I crossed my arms over my chest, as if angry, but it was to hide the shaking of my hands.

He took the crime scene photos from his pile, slowly, methodically, laying them before me. “Our team searched your entire house.” He placed the last picture. “In the exception of Mrs Santos, who seems to have a valid alibi, there are no traces of anyone else. Except you.”

“That’s normal since I live there,” I said through clenched teeth.

“True enough. But it was put to my attention that the day of your parents...demise, your grandfather appeared. Poof. Just like that, a long lost family member rediscovered.”

He glanced meaningfully to Nicolas, who sat quietly at my right. Since I was still a minor, he’d been allowed to come to this “friendly meeting”. But, as time passed, it became clearer and clearer that this was an interrogation, not just chit-chat. Thank goodness Nicolas and I had devised a technique, just in case. It was quite simple; Nicolas remained quiet, letting me talk, as if there was nothing for him to worry about. I, on the other hand, would be on the offensive, making sure I looked upset at my parents’ death and not guilty. It wasn’t much, but it doesn’t always take much to switch around a conversation.

Only now, Devereaux was making a direct attack on me, and the logical reaction to this would be to retaliate. Which Nicolas did. “I dislike what you imply about my granddaughter, detective. And you should be aware that I do not respond well to allegations cast randomly on people whom are dear to me.” He waved a hand to silence what the detective was going to say. “I am truly saddened that the one responsible for this crime has not been caught, but I will not sit here and tolerate you incriminating my granddaughter because you lack the skills to uncover the real criminal. Now,” he stood from his chair, “come Crystal, and let us leave this horrible place.”

I wanted to do more than that; I wanted to kiss him for turning around the tables like that. But I resisted the urge, getting off my chair, all the while watching Devereaux’ face turn scarlet at the insults. I followed behind Nicolas, and was stopped just as I reached the door.

“This isn’t over, miss. I know you’re guilty of something; it’s just a matter of time before I figure it out.”

I spoke to him, although not looking in his direction. “Best not be putting yourself in other people’s business, detective. Trouble gets even the best of souls.” And I walked out of the conference room.

***

I slammed my car keys onto the table. “I can’t believe that son of a-“

“Shh. No foul language needed.” Nicolas removed his coat and shoes, neatly placing them in the closet.

“I think he deserves it, actually. He took up three hours of our time for nothing! I could’ve been in bed by now!”

“Would you really?” he asked, scepticism in his voice.

I huffed. “I'm so tired I would've been had I been home!” I threw off my snickers.

He laughed softly. “Do not waste any more of your precious time thinking about him. We must simply be careful to not expose ourselves outside of the house; I have a feeling he will be watching us.”

“Yeah, I know,” I mumbled.

“Good. Now, if you will excuse me, I find myself craving a night snack.” He bent slightly and kissed my forehead. Good night to you, little one.”

I momentarily forgot about the evening. “Good night.” I smiled as he moved rather quickly to the kitchen. Guess he was really hungry. But that was okay, because I was really getting tired.

So I made my way up to my bedroom, realizing halfway down the hallway that the door stood ajar and the light was on. I made my way to the door, making sure to be quiet. When I saw Tony’s figure sprawled over my bed, talking on his cell phone, I let myself relax. For some reason I’d been really afraid it was someone there to kill me. Again.

But I hesitated to go into the room since I could hear Tony was into heavy conversation. I decided to listen in, instead. “...up? No, I won’t.” There was a slight pause. “Don’t even think about it... I don’t care what you what! Forget it! I’m hanging up now.” There was a distinctive sound of a cell phone flap closing.

Wonder what he’s mad about. Since he was finished, however, it was useless to eavesdrop. “You done?” I asked, coming into the bedroom.

He started, looking somewhat like a kid being caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “U-um yeah.” He lifted himself enough to sit cross legged.

“Who was it?”

“Aaron,” he sighed. “People are ridiculous sometimes. They just go through whatever plan they got without taking the time to think things over.”

“Oh?” I didn’t really know what to answer to that, not knowing what he was talking about.

He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter; it’s just some stupidities. So,” he turned on a let’s-change-the-subject smile, “how did it go?”

I decided to let him of the hook; I dropped the subject. “You knew I was going?”

He nodded. “Nicolas had warned me you’d need to go soon, I told him it’d be best to wait a little while still.”

“Oh. Well it went... okay, I guess.” I threw myself onto the bed, exhaling noisily.

He chuckled. “You sure about that?”

“No. It was long; he had me tell him the whole story twice, made me look at hundreds of pictures, asked me stupid questions and all for nothing!” My anger was back in a flash.

“It’s quite normal, actually. You can’t really expect them to start searching for UBs.”

“If I weren’t so exhausted right now, I’d ask you what an UB is.”

“If you weren’t so tired you’d realize I’ve already told you; unnatural beings.”

“Right. If you say so.” I crawled my way to my pillow.

“I do say so.”

I shoved my face into the pillow. “Oh, be quiet so I can sleep,” I muttered.

There was a shift in weight on the bed as he moved to whisper in my ear. “As you wish, Princess.”
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:47 am
borntobeawriter says...



Baby girl; you're alive!

And yes, RH is my daughter and your niece. Emma never got back to me about being adopted, so...Not sure yet. And, well, me, of course; your favourite family member :D

My body instantly went into defensive mode, ready for any potential plans of Ben’s
It should be 'plan', I think. Not 'plans.'

The kind of loud that means something needs to be said right then.
I'm not super with tenses and stuff but I think 'means' and 'needs' should be 'meant' and 'needed.'

“I shall.” He took in a deep breath. “However, this is a little more problematic, I must say. The detective in charge insists on meeting you and having you look at the suspect.”
Why was he made aware of this before she was? Because he's her guardian?

“That I did, but we can never identify for certain which pixie did the deed, so you are not, in truth, lying.”
Haha. Besides, what would she tell the cops that would convince them not to throw her in a loony bin?

“Agreed.” But something he’d said kept pocking at my mind
poking.

He glanced meaningfully to Nicolas, who sat quietly at my right
going to have to wait for the english-speaking folk, but I think it should be 'to'.

“I dislike what you imply about my granddaughter, detective.
The 'd' should be upper case (majuscules) because it is the name he's given the detective.
For example.
'I spoke to the detective."
"I'm speaking to you, Detective."

“Best not be putting yourself in other people’s business, detective. Trouble gets even the best of souls.” And I walked out of the conference room.
Same here.

I huffed. “I'm so tired I would've been had I been home!” I threw off my snickers
sneakers.

“Good. Now, if you will excuse me, I find myself craving a night snack.” He bent slightly and kissed my forehead. Good night to you, little one.”
you forgot the quotation mark before the word in bold.

I decided to listen in, instead. “...up? No, I won’t.” There was a slight pause. “Don’t even think about it... I don’t care what you what! Forget it! I’m hanging up now.” There was a distinctive sound of a cell phone flap closing.
what you what, what? hahaha

“Aaron,” he sighed. “People are ridiculous sometimes. They just go through whatever plan they got without taking the time to think things over
Who's Aaron? don't remember....

awwww. Princess. I hadn't realised how much I'd missed them. All of them. Especially Tony and Crys, but I have a special place in my heart for Nicolas. You got his character down pat; it's incredible how real he seems.

As far as this chapter goes, I liked it. Poor detective is only doing his job; you really can't expect him to be looking for UB's. But I hadn't realised (or thought anything through) that Crys might be a suspect. I mean, what's going to happen? *sighs*. No chance you'd tell me, eh?

Well, I hope this was helpful. I loved it, and I can't wait to read more.

I love you.
Me xxxx
  





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Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:20 am
Spitfire says...



Now why would I go and do something silly like tell you what's going to happen?? hihihihi :P

Thanks for the nit-picking. I was in such a hurry to finish it that I didn't totally go through it (SOMEBODY was BUGGING me to finish it -_- )

As for Nicolas knowing, I think I'd mentionned it before, but he'd said he'd take care of everything, so the investigation was kind of included in that (I hadn't really specified it, though)

But now I want to know what you think is going to happen. (and no, you don't get to know what happens, afterwards) Muhahahaha :D
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:26 am
borntobeawriter says...



We've been through this before; I have no idea.... You sure you won't tell me?
  





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Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:38 am
Spitfire says...



I already gave you a hint; something you already suspected is a big part of the story. It's not my problem you don't remember what :P *grins evilly*
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:06 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Please don't tell I'm going to have to go back and reread all my comments...*groans*
  





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Tue Nov 09, 2010 6:03 pm
Spitfire says...



LOL XD !! I wasn't actually expecting you to reread everything :P But you might've mentioned it to me vocally, I honestly don't remember. All I remember is reading/hearing you say that and going oh shit(!), I hope she won't figure it out!
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Tue Nov 09, 2010 6:04 pm
borntobeawriter says...



............................................
  





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Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:44 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Yes! Another chapter! :D

He stopped as well. “I know. That is the reason why I said the police believe so. Who am I to doubt them?”

I would italicize "believe" because I had to read the part directly before and this three times to understand what was meant. The "believe" just needs some sort of emphasis.

“That I did, but we can never identify for certain which pixie did the deed, so you are not, in truth, lying.”

I shrugged. “I guess.” I ducked under a low branch. “What about the suspect, though? We can’t let him pay for something he didn’t do!” My stomach churned at the mere thought.

“Of course not. The only evidence they have against her is a hair on your mother’s clothes, which proves nothing as she is a co-worker of your parents and could have easily lost strands on them. Nevertheless, she was given an excellent alibi, I hear, by some distant...cousin of hers. Thus, if ever it is asked of you, you have never laid eyes on that woman before. Agreed?”

“Agreed.” But something he’d said kept pocking at my mind. After thinking over what he’d said, I finally caught on. “You wouldn’t happen to be her distant cousin, now would you?”

Its been some time, so I may just be forgetting things but did we know this information? The pixie thing is vaguely familiar, but this part still confused me a bit. Again, its not a problem if I'm simply forgetting. :)

I checked the time on my cell phone. 7:08. Although I didn’t want to, it was still early enough. Plus, it was better to do it quickly and not procrastinate about it. “Let’s get this over with,” I said with a gulp.

Why is the time bolded?

I wanted to do more than that; I wanted to kiss him for turning around the tables like that. But I resisted the urge, getting off my chair, all the while watching Devereaux’ face turn scarlet at the insults. I followed behind Nicolas, and was stopped just as I reached the door.

“This isn’t over, miss. I know you’re guilty of something; it’s just a matter of time before I figure it out.”

I spoke to him, although not looking in his direction. “Best not be putting yourself in other people’s business, detective. Trouble gets even the best of souls.” And I walked out of the conference room.

I have a few problems with this little scene. Since Devereaux is an interrogator, he ought to have the upper hand in this discussion and he ought to appear as though he has the upper hand. He'll be experienced and know how to handle situations like this. A young girl and an old man won't be able to phase him easily. Also, I don't think he'd allow Crystal and Nicolas to just up and leave like that. Its disrespectful and he doesn't seem to be done with them yet.
Then there is Crystal's last comment to him. That sounds extraordinarily suspicious. She's lucky they didn't have a cop tailing them on the way home. She has a big secret to keep hidden from the 'regular world' and a comment like this would certainly have consequences.

This was a pretty good chapter! It does a good job of amping up the suspense and the tension, which is imperative for the progression of a story. What will happen with Devereaux, who was Tony talking to on the phone, and I feel like even Nicolas is acting a tad suspicious. Its all very exciting and I can't wait to read more! Don't keep us waiting so long for the next one. ;)

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:01 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey! I'm finally here! :D

WritingSpitfire wrote:He entered the bedroom completely, crossing it to me.


Sounds a bit awkward, especially the highlighted part. I think it should be reworded to something like: "He entered the bedroom and crossed over to me."

I handed him the hilt, watching his face for any reaction as he inspected it. As much as I wished to simply brush it off, deep down, I really hoped he’d approve of my weaponry choice.


Again, sounds a bit confusing...your last subject mentioned was the sword, and that's what I instinctively think "it" refers to.

I checked the time on my cell phone. 7:08. Although I didn’t want to, it was still early enough.


Yeah, I think you either italicize the time or put it in an entirely different paragraph altogether; might even be both, like so:
I checked the time on my cell phone.
7:08.
Although I didn’t want to, it was still early enough.
.
Anyways, I'm pretty sure you don't bold it.

“True enough. But it was put to my attention that the day of your parents...demise, your grandfather appeared. Poof. Just like that, a long lost family member rediscovered.”


Okay, I'm kind of confused here. What does the grandfather's appearance have to do with thinking Crys is guilty of her parents' deaths? Or am I missing something here?

I wanted to do more than that; I wanted to kiss him for turning around the tables like that. But I resisted the urge, getting off my chair, all the while watching Devereaux’ face turn scarlet at the insults. I followed behind Nicolas, and was stopped just as I reached the door.

“This isn’t over, miss. I know you’re guilty of something; it’s just a matter of time before I figure it out.”


I don't get the best impression from this detective; I mean, he doesn't seem to be quite as professional as one would expect. Unless, of course, there's something more to him that's yet to be revealed. ;)

I huffed. “I'm so tired I would've been had I been home!” I threw off my snickers.


Hehe, gotta love those Snickers bars! ;D


Well, that's all I've got to say! Can't wait to read the next installment. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
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Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:02 pm
EmmaJane says...



SUUUZZZZ! I. AM. SO. SORRY. FOR. BEING. SO. LATE! :S I really have no other excuse than my brain has melted and the thought of just sitting on facebook doing nothing has been shamefully too appealing... :'( Soooorrrryyy...

Okay, well, back to this chapter.

“Would you care to walk with me?”

“Of course”

You need a full-stop at the end. (:

my feet restarting their initial pace

This sounds really creepy! I don't know if it's just me being silly-as usual-but I think it's the personification of the feet and the odd way you've phrased it. *In whiney voice* Can you make it more simple so it doesn't distract me from the dialogue? Pleeeease? (:

As soon like now?

I've repeated this a million times in my head, trying to figure it out. Sometimes it works. I don't get this, though.. Did you mean to put "in" instead of "soon" or something?

About the Detective. He is being incredibly harsh to Crys, especially considering how she was the one to come home and discover both of her parents dead. Does he know about her relationship with them? Because I'd just assume that someone was close to their parents, therefore not only losing both of them, but coming home and discovering their mutilated bodies (I think they were?) would leave some damage. Then accusing her of having done it herself? So harsh. And complaints could be made about the way he's handled the interview and he could be taken off the case. So it's in his own interest not to insult her... I could see how he'd resort to shock tactics in order to make her talk, but maybe if you could mention he was a bit nicer in the beginning before he saw how strong Crys is. Then that added to his suspicions or something? I just don't see how he could be so sure she was guilty of butchering her parents when he's only met her for.... pffft, how long was it again? :L I can't find it... And wouldn't he recognise Nicolas as the suspect's "cousin"? The alibi... Because you'd think that since she's the main suspect of a brutal murder, they'd check every little nook and cranny, even investigating the "alibi". It would be more believable if Nicolas got someone else in the Shifters Hierarchy to pose as the cousin. Then he wouldn't run the risk of them recognising him. Oh, three hours! I see it now. Haha.

I made my way up to my bedroom, realizing halfway down the hallway that the door stood ajar and the light was on. I made my way to the door, making sure to be quiet. When I saw Tony’s figure sprawled over my bed, talking on his cell phone, I let myself relax. For some reason I’d been really afraid it was someone there to kill me. Again.

Haha. I do love Crys. She is so sarcastic and funny.

I don’t care what you what! Forget it!

Want?

Oohhhh. Is Tony on the phone to someone he shouldn't be? I'm suspicious now. Is he a double agent? Are we supposed to think he's a double agent when he isn't really? Is he going to betray Crys? Am I sounding like Tanya now...? ;P Haha, I want to know what's going on! (: And is Princess an endearment? Or is she a "lost princess"? Or what? You've left me with quite a few questions, Suz! ;P haha I'm looking forward to the next one (: Hopefully by the time I've posted this, you'll be just polishing off the next one ready to post! ;D Mmmm, well, that's all i have to say. I've tried to avoid re-pointing out the things the others have already picked up on, but my memory is terrible, so I might have ... repointed out the things others have already picked up on. ;P

I hope that was helpful! And that I'll see the next part soon! C:

~Emma
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

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Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:10 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Am I sounding like Tanya now...?


I'm afraid you do, Em!

I've tried everything to get her to tell me and she won't ! :'(

BUt.....She says she's going to finish it during Winter break! *crosses fingers*
  





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Mon Nov 29, 2010 2:02 pm
Spitfire says...



Lol, emma. Try as you two might, you ain't getting any answers from me :P

And yeah, I'm going to finish it during my winter break, it's my top priority for the month.

Thanks for your reviews, guys! Really appreciated :D
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here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a treee called life; which grows higher than the soul can home or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
— e.e. cummings