Young Writers Society

Hey WaywardBird, CaptianRandom here.

I'M YOUR FIRST REVIEWER!, anyway i liked this poem its was very interesting i don't know why but i liked it, how the concept of the poem was about flying ( I'm sorry if that's not the concept, but that's what i got out of it).

Anyway i loved this poem and i hope to read more of your poems. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK

-CaptianRandom
-Many crystals with many emotions

Hello! I'm Lacey and I'll be ripping this...er...critiquing this poem today. *cough* Before I do 'red pen' this, I would like to assure you that I really liked it. Now that you know this, I think I can begin. Things that I think can be used inside of the poem, or are already in it, will be in a different color.

Take now a wild guess
doesn't have to be the best

I feel like there's a syllable missing here. Adding it before doesn't will probably solve that.

as long as you don't let the world decide
how this life is going to fly

Later in the poem, you refer to the reader. I do like this but changing it to your might add some more consistency.

How something will spin around,
and you'll never ever touch the ground

There's a nagging suspicion in the back of my head that something's missing. At first, I thought it might be in the second line but I was wrong. Adding suddenly between will and spin might add something to the flow.

Be sure that you're pure of heart

Changing you're to you are will add a syllable that seems to be missing.

that every tragedy is a new fresh start

If you take that and the line together, it doesn't make sense. We all know what you meant but to make yourself clearer, changing that to knowing will work.

and you've the strength to rise again
you're life has ended...

So, let us begin

I really like this ending but the three periods are unnecessary.

Again, I really loved the concept of this poem. How life is a flight that we, the person, decide. Tying it in with the phoenix's birth and death cycle really worked and I loved it. Adding punctuation, like you would in prose or an essay would make it even better, allowing stops and starts for the eyes.

And remember that all of this is friendly advice from a fellow writer and, as always, you don't have to take everything as a demand, just my best suggestion.

Write on,
Lacey

WaywardBird wrote:Be sure that you're pure of heart
that every tragedy is a new fresh start
and you've the strength to rise again
you're life has ended...

So, let us begin

This is my favorite area of your poem, you are very clever. The irony of a phoenix to die and then, be reborn. The ending has some irony to it. The way you explain how this is just amazing. How the phoenix has died, how it has the strength to carry on. THAT'S what makes a good poem, THAT'S what makes it worth reading and yes, you have done it. I like it, continue writing, your very good at it.

-Soggy

Sorry it's taken me to reply! But to
¡CaptainRandom! Thanks and I get where you're coming from with the 'liked it but didn't know why' thing, and I think it's funny you got 'flying' out of it, because originally it was a picture poem (picture with the words as the lines) and it was a flying dandylion seed.

To Lacey Thank you so much for the 'Ripping' (Lol,), I appreciate the hints and they do seem to make much more sense. I'll make the changes in the poem, but I think I'm going to keep this draft up just because others might have some more ideas. (Call me greedy.) Thanks again!

SoggyPoptart thank you! Oh, I'm blushing,

I dont ussually bag on others people work, but this doesnt make any sense. And the rhythm isnt very good. Your rhyming scheme isnt very good either, it sounds like an amature rappers rap. sorry.

Meh, like I said, take the advice you think is worthy. And I like my rhyming scheme, even though it is a bit amature . I just prefer the simple rhyming, that's all, the freelance non-rhyming just doesn't appeal to me. Sorry I hurt your feelings, I truely didn't mean to (believe it or not,) and it would totally suck it you didn't keep writing. George Suerat was laughed off the art community for his painting A Sunday in the Park and nowa days he's thought of as the first Impressionist painter.

i agree with Bird on this one
i think people are more prone to remembering a poem if it rhymes

That's beautiful! I love it. Could you try another animal-based poem some time? I'll be waiting.

Wow. I love this! It's so simple, yet inspiring.... Great job!!!!

FINALLY! Somebody does something rather enjoyable! That's all I have to say.

Okay, I liked this poem, but it seemed kind of.....a bit childish. The rhyming was simple and understandable. But I didn't really get at what the title had to do with the poem. Maybe the flying for the phoenix and the fresh start for when it is reborn out of its ashes. I think that this poem could have a lot of potential if you put in the effort to solidify it and alter it. The centering really only added to the childish feeling for me so maybe just have it left aligned.

Take now a wild guess
doesn't have to be the best

Okay, just wanted to point out, guess doesn't really rhyme with best. And how does this fit into your point? Maybe reconsider a different beginning.

as long as you don't let the world decide
how this life is going to fly

Again, doesn't really rhyme but I like how you made a connection to the phoenix.

How something will spin around,
and you'll never ever touch the ground

I think that this was simple and understandable but again what is your point?

Be sure that you're pure of heart
that every tragedy is a new fresh start

This was my favorite line. It just was really good by my opinion. But I don't think you really need both new and fresh in this part. Maybe 'a new start' or 'a fresh start'. Good job with these lines.

and you've the strength to rise again
you're life has ended...

I like the connection again to the phoenix. Interesting.

So, let us begin

Right here, you break your pattern and I really don't get the point to adding this into the poem. Maybe rewording or something.

This poem has great potential and I liked it. It was interesting and fun to read. Keep up the good work.

okay, so, I've noticed I confuse a lot of people in my poems, (which is totally my fault, I try to put too much meaning in stuff instead of keeping it simple) so here is my explination of this one:

Take now a wild guess
doesn't have to be the best"
This line was meant to say that you can just go for it; feel free to make mistakes in this game or life or race or whatever your metaphor.

As long as you don't let the world decide
how this life is going to fly

This is not a metaphor of a pheonix; it's a figure of speech. when something's not going to work, I say, "That's not going to fly." this line simply means "be true to thin own self" and all that jazz.

How something will spin around
and you'll never ever touch the ground

this simply leads of of the 'be true' part to the 'and you'll succeed part'. (you've never heard of a successful person in their dreams 'staying with both feet on the ground' have you?)

the last stanzas still refer to 'being true' and you'll succeed. even if you fall; even if you crash and burn, you'll still have to rise or die, much like a pheonix. The task ahead of you is never as great as the strength within you, and this has been proven to me time and time again.