Young Writers Society

(bEGINNING OF)Chapter one: Eyes of fire
Millennia has passed since the Annihilation, the event that wiped the mudmonkeys from the face of Terra and the Destruction-the father of all that was in the universe had decreed that life on this planet was to begin again. Angels poured the life spark into this project, and soon it flourished into what it is now.

But soon, it will again be scrutinized and threatened by the Destruction.

But that is further down the story, we are now entering the life of a little girl, cursed by the angels and blessed by the demons of the Dark lands to inherit the Eyes of Fire.

---

It was Saturday.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I was staring into the bleak surroundings of detention. Detention! It’s all it’s said to be. Grey everywhere, any bit of colour taken from the room as it was seen to be imaginative. I cursed inwardly as I watched the clock’s minute hand creep slower and slower towards the twelve, almost slower now because I am watching it. Stupid clock. As the second hand whizzed past it the millionth time today I groaned.

RING

The aching slow detention overseer removed his thick-rimmed glasses and wiped the condensation from it. At the same pace he placed them securely into their little container and glanced at the only other prisoner here- a red head Asian boy.

“Have you two learnt your lessons?” he asked.

Nah I thought sarcastically. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here…I could see that the boy was thinking similar thoughts. The teacher just sighed and motioned for us to disappear from his sight.

“I don’t what to see you two here again!” He roared as we escaped with our lives considerably shortened.

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!

bluewaterlily at your service for a review.
red=corrections
blue=comments

RosieBaker wrote:(bEGINNING OF)Chapter one: Eyes of fire
Millennia has passed since the Annihilation, the event that wiped the mudmonkeys from the face of Terra and the Destruction-the father of all that was in the universe had decreed that life on this planet was to begin again. Angels poured the life spark into this project, and soon it flourished into what it is now.

But soon, it will again be scrutinized and threatened by the Destruction.

But that is further down the story, we are now entering the life of a little girl, cursed by the angels and blessed by the demons of the Dark lands to inherit the Eyes of Fire. This was all confusing. Is this suppose to happen later in the story? If it is, I suggest you don't tell the readers and just allow it to happen. Also, this sounds like fantasy, so I would suggest moving it to fantasy novels.
---
It was Saturday.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and I was staring into the bleak surroundings of detention. Detention! It’s all it’s said to be. Grey everywhere, any bit of colour taken from the room,as it was seen to be imaginative. I cursed inwardly as I watched the clock’s minute hand creep slower and slower towards the twelve,almost slower now because I am watching it. Stupid clock. As the second hand whizzed past it the millionth time today,I groaned.

RING

The aching slow detention overseer removed his thick-rimmed glasses and wiped the condensation from it. At the same pace,he placed them securely into their little container and glanced at the only other prisoner here- a red head Asian boy.

“Have you two learnt your lessons?” he asked.

Nah,I thought sarcastically. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here…I could see that the boy was thinking similar thoughts. The teacher just sighed and motioned for us to disappear from his sight.

“I don’t what to see you two here again!” he roared as we escaped with our lives considerably shortened.

What is supposed to be want.

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!

Overall: I don't know what to think of this since this chapter was really short. Maybe you should make this the prologue. Even though I don't really know what to say about this, from what you mentioned earlier(the stuff highlighted in blue) the plot sounds interesting. By the way, what is the character's name. It was never mentioned in the story, and why did they get in trouble? Hope I helped~bluewaterlily

Hey, RosieBaker!

This is short. Short's okay--a break for reviewers, I guess--but in general, try to keep your posts around 500 words or more. More words, more room for mistakes, more ways to pick on you. (Just kidding!)

My biggest problem with this piece was that I had absolutely no idea what the tone was supposed to be. The word "mudmonkeys" made me laugh out loud, literally. So I thought it might be some sort of daydream. (If you were trying to be serious, pick a different animal. Even that one fantasy book with the owls just makes me laugh every time I see the cover.) Then I read a bit more...aha! A daydream in detention, perhaps? But then you throw in the "overseer" and this poor Asian child with red hair, and I have no idea what is going on. In short? I'm disoriented. I don't know what the setting is, who the characters are, what year it is, is it snowing? How's the weather? All of that's a mystery.

I think the important part is to spend a paragraph or two in the beginning describing what the hell "detention" is, and explaining basic things--are these high school students? Is it high school in an alternate universe? Why does an Asian boy have red hair?--that sort of thing, will really help to orient your readers. Once you get a few more stories under your belt, deliberate confusion might be a great literary device to use. But at this point, "confused" is everything you don't want your readers to be.

So, to sum up the concept of tone:

1. While you probably don't want to include the clichéd fantasy/sci-fi intro "It was a dark night on X planet during the cold months of XXXX year", if you are writing something that your readers don't experience every day, we need to know the basics. Where are we?

2. ...and why are we here? You can keep it a secret for a few paragraphs to pique your readers' interest, but you do eventually want to fill us in on all the meaty details. Otherwise, we have no idea what's going on.

Tone is just basically setting the readers up for what to expect. The tone of a Jackass movie, for example, leaves viewers expecting one thing. If Bang suddenly breaks into a weeping mess over his midlife crisis, we would be confused, because that doesn't fit the tone. This is especially important in genre writing, if you are indeed writing a fantasy, and we're disoriented because it's not the world we're used to.


Thanks for the read! Please let me know if you have any questions or want me to read anything else.