Mental. (Re-written)

I lay here. Nothing enters my mind. My eyes don't pick up anything but black. I'm dead, not really but that's what it feels like. This is what Mom and Lacey must have gone through. This empty world.

My name is Belinda Kemp. I have been at Stott's Institute for the Mentally Impaired for three months. They brought me here after my sister, Lacey, and my Mom's death. I don't know why. At least Kayla is here with me.

Today I get to go visit my brother. I have been bugging the nurses and doctors a lot, and my psychiatrist said it would be good for me. If my brain could still process and use emotion, I would smile and cry. But I can't.
"Belinda, your brother is here. Do you have all of your bags?" The nurse asks coming into the room.
"Yeah, come on Kayla." I say. The nurse looks at me. Her eyes roll into the back of her head and she screams.
"Help! Somebody?" I scream.
"You are too late, girl, she'll find you!" the nurse whispers loudly. Several people rush into the room, my brother included. Kayla stands there, everyone ignores her.
Gripping my arm, my brother takes me out.
"Belinda," my psychiatrist says, "what is going on?"
"She- her... I-"
"Belinda, you can't do this now, you are about to go home."
"But she told me that someone would find me and that I'm too late!"
"No! Just no! Corey, take her, before I change my mind."
"Sure, c'mon Bindy."

I'm not crazy. Period. That nurse said that. They don't believe me. The way they look at me, like I'm a rabid dog or something. I sit in Corey's car and take Kayla's hand.
"I'll help you." She says.
"Thanks you." I reply.
"Who are you talking to?" Corey asks from the driver seat.
"Kayla."
"Wh-what?" He looked at me. The car jolted and flipped. Body flailing, I gripped Kayla's hand tighter. Corey was frozen, but moving. Eyes open, but dead. A large shard of glass portruded from his eye. I saw it too late. A metallic, hollow pole shot through the glassless wind screen and lodged itself in my chest.
"Kayla! Help!" I scream with blood in my mouth. She looks at me and laughs.
"My name is Karma, bitch."

Hi Biffle! I'm here to review.

A couple odd things I noticed about this:

1) Kind of out of the ordinary for you, a male, to write in the first person as a female. It doesn't work, and it's a tad confusing. Creepy, even.

2) I know this is a short story, but it's...too short! There is almost no detail at all, no plot or background. Short stories are where those things are the most important, because you don't have as much time to get your point across.

In order to fix that and make this longer, just try and develop your story and your characters a little more! It's really simple to do, and it doesn't necessarily mean you have to expand on the plot. I know that you wouldn't want to do that with this, because I know what you were trying to pull off. Just focus on adding as much detail as you can about everything that is happening--and just as important: what has happened up until the present--and I think you should be set!

This is not only a response to the piece you have written, but also to a recent review. I wouldn't really consider this a short story; It's really only a scene. The difference is not nessisarily just length, but it's about more about structure. Scenes are short, and meant for insertion into a complete story. Short stories have rising action, a climax, and somewhat a resolution.
Another thing is the character's state of mind. It gives off the vibe of being weary and apathetic, not so much phychopathic. It's also slightly transparent. It gives somewhat the prescence of the author more than just that of a character. When writing, it's very important to simply lose yourself in a character, and insert yourself into a story rather than being an outsider attempting to document it. Crazy people don't just sit around sane proclaiming their crazy, and that they think certain things. They live completely in their own climates of thought. Everything they believe about the world around them, they think is absolute fact. They can see, feel, and smell it to a point where the illusion evolves into something far more than just a creation of the mind; they become reality.
Also, what another review said about just being as detailed as you can, I disagree with. Being too detailed can make stories go at a far slower pace, and get boring. Keep doing what your doing, and keep it right to the point, but make sure to add not nessisarily details, but depth. I enjoyed your work, and I hope this helps it become even better.

Heya Biffle!

I lay here. Nothing enters my mind. My eyes don't pick up anything but black. This is just a suggestion, but I think a different word would sound good her. Darkness maybe? I'm dead. Not really, but that's what it feels like. This is what Mom, Aunt Clasey, and Alex must have gone through. This empty world.

My name is Belinda Kemp. I have been at Stott's Institute for the Mentally Impaired for three months. I would like to know a little bit more They think I'm crazy, I can tell.

Today I get to go visit my brother. If my brain could still process and use emotion, I would smile and cry. But I can't.

"Time for your final dose," the nurse says. I barely look up at her, but she takes that as my acknowledgement of her entry. She flicks the syringe and presses the needle into my arm. Entering my bloodstream, it feels like acid.

"What are you doing?" I scream. She's trying to kill me. Because I'm crazy. "Help! Somebody?"

"Shh, its okay, its okay!" the nurse tries to comfort me. I look at her.

"Kayla! Help me!" I scream. She just stands there and mouths I'm not real.

In bewilderment, I fling a fist at the nurses stomach. Cringing to the floor, she presses the emergency button on her wrist.

Security people pick me up. I scream and kick at them but they keep moving me out. This isn't over. Not by a long shot.

I agree with Knightley and Nicole, to be honest. This seems awfully short, even for a short story. We don't really know enough about the characters, especially the MC. There aren't much details either. I'm not asking you to turn this into an annoyingly detailed story that makes me want to cry... just a bit more detailed than it is at the. moment

What little you have actually written though is good! I like your writing style and I like the way you tend to phrase things.

I lay here. Nothing enters my mind. My eyes don't pick up anything but black. I'm dead, not really but that's what it feels like.

This, for example. I thought that this was a effective, good beginning. I especially like the I'm dead, not really e.t.c bit

Overall, I do think that this was well written. You just need to develop the plot, characters, conflict e.t.c! If you do a longer, more detailed version of this, be sure to let me know. Either post it in my WRFF thread or PM me. I'd love to review it.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

EDITED*

please review

Hi, I'm Emma and I'm reviewing your piece today

I lay here. Nothing enters my mind.

In the first sentence the tenses are mixed up. It should either be 'I lay there', or 'I lie here'.

Mentally Impaired

OK, what is mentally impaired? As far as I'm aware there is no such thing, so I would probably make this more realistic or identifiable for the reader.

They brought me here after my sister, Lacey, and my Mom's death. I don't know why. At least Kayla is here with me.

On a personal note, this is wierd for me because I have written a series of short stories about twins, Kayla and Lacey

Today I get to go visit my brother. I have been bugging the nurses and doctors a lot, and my psychiatrist said it would be good for me. If my brain could still process and use emotion, I would smile and cry. But I can't.

This paragraph is a little confusing, I'd add more explanation.

"Thanks you." I reply.

Should be '"Thank you," I reply.' You do this a lot in the piece (not the thank you part, the lack of comma). You put a fill stop after speech and then 'I replied', or 'I said' etc. It should always be a comma used after speech, unless using a question mark or exclamation point.

Body flailing, I gripped Kayla's hand tighter. Corey was frozen, but moving.

I'd add in a sentence just after 'hand tighter', before 'Corey was frozen', just something like 'and then we crashed into a tree', or whatever. It just switches too suddenly from the reader imagining the car tumbling, to the point of view of Corey being dead and the car crashed. Apart from that, really good description here.

She looks at me and laughs.

This line took away a bit from the very last line, as you can build it up more. Think of all the words in the English language and you've chosen 'looks' and 'laughs'. How about 'She turned to me and smirked'. Already that sentence completely changes the readers expectations of what Kayla is going to say, I'd work on that and add more description.

"My name is Karma, bitch."

I LOVE this part!


Overall, I agree with what everyone else has written, although i think you must have edited it a bit since then because I did get more of a sense of beginnin, middle and end. I liked the fact that all the way through I was thinking, 'Kayla's an imaginary friend. This isn't set up well, it's so obvious!" and then you made her Karma, it completely through me and I loved it!

Some things you should definitely work on are your explanations. I didn't really understand whose eyes were rolling back into their head or why any of that was relevant to the plot. Honestly, to keep the plot moving I would get rid of that and just go from the beginning where she's in the asylum (and you can go overboard here with inner monologue), then being picked up by her brother, and then the car scene. Some things you could add in is either a scene at the beginning like a flashback to explain how her mother and sister died.

Another way to increases suspense is to not say her mother and sister's names, just say 'I killed my mother and sister' (I assume that's what happened...) so that when she says Kayla is with her, the reader will assume its an imaginary friend in the form of her sister.

It's a great story with a fantastic twist, just work on explaining more to the reader and really keeping the suspense going.