La Rose

So, tried to write a poem in French. Good luck xD

--

L'allure de la rose, avec la lueur de la beauté
Les pétales plongent - brodée avec la vanité
Une jupe bariolée de couleur rouge tache en profondeur
Touchée par les anges de la pitié,
les cloches sonnent, puis elle se fane.
Avant que les hommes, plein d'appétit arrivent --
pour cuellir cette fleur d'amour.

Your doing good in french. I think this poem is beautiful I especially love the last line.

Avant que les hommes, plein d'appétit arrive --
pour cuellir cette fleur d'amour

Before the men, full with appetite arrives --to cuellir this flower of love.
I think that is what the line means anyway. I enjoyed trying to figure this one out.
Keep writing preferably in English. Fiction

I can't say my french is too good, but it's good enough to read this piece, and I've gotta say that I enjoy it. I like to see the use of other languages once in a while, even though I can't read most of them. I like English, but this may be one of the few pieces that make me appreciate french class. I'd critique this or try to correct it, but considering my grade in that class, I'd probably make it worse, probably even completely incomprehensable. Keep up the good work, and have a lucky day!

Read this article in the New York Times the other day, and I've been dying to try Google Translate out. I speak decent spanish, myself.

Here's what it gives me: (I edited it slightly where I saw what I took to be a mistake.)

The look of the pink rose with the glow of beauty
The petals dip - embroidered with vanity
A skirt striped red stain depth
Touched by angels of mercy
bells ringing, then it fades.
Before the men arrived full of appetite --
Cueli To cut(?) this flower of love.

To which I say - not bad, especially for another language. I'm not a hundred percent sure of my translation here, but it was certainly better than my comparison to BabelFish for laughs.*

- The second section of the first line seems redundant to me, the line is stronger when simpler - "The look of the rose..."
- I wish the action of the petals; (dipping/plunging) was attached somehow to the vanity. Perhaps the petals should bow, which strikes me as an infinitely more vain act.
- The third line is translated wrong, and I'm not sure of your intent with it. I take it to be a return to a physical description of the rose, but it might be nice to clarify it similarly to the line before, the red skirt is also showing off, perhaps going to a fancy party? Perhaps being social?
- What I find alluring about this poem, is how it makes the rose out to be vain, almost promiscuous. (Men arrive at the end!) The addition of angels, and religion here bothered me, I want the rose to be a character out of The Great Gatsby, beautiful, risky, tempting, dangerous and vulnerable.
- Reconsider the verb "cuellir". Is it misspelled? I think the word that strikes me as the best word there is "longing for" or "desiring".

Considering the limitations of proficiency, and my translation, I'd say this is a neat little challenge to give yourself. On the whole, the poem wouldn't really stand too strongly were it written in English, although focusing your description would help, but written in a different language, it's entitled to some respect from a language-handicapped American.

EDIT: Ah, I took some care to couch my words, because I wondered whether you knew French better then I assumed.

I also asked my Dad (who speaks some French) and he defined 'cuellir' for me, so I understand, I think. The certainly brings some of the thematic clarity I was looking for.



*

Spoiler

L' pace of the pink, with the gleam of the beauty
the petals plunge - embroidered with vanity
A gandy skirt of red color stains in-depth
Touchée by the angels of pity,
the bells sound, then it fades.
Before men, full d' appetite arrive
to cuellir this flower d' love.