Young Writers Society

A tear gently fell down my cheek as I realized it was over. It's not like it was anything new. The signs were plentiful; I just hadn't chosen to look. I had ignored it and now I was reaping the reward.
The most overwhelming feeling, of course, was that of stupidity. Amazement at my own ignorance. How could I have not noticed?
The lies. The stutterings of "I was with a friend". The jewelry that you bought for your "cousin".
I picked up the knife that I'd been staring at for the past fifteen minutes. The way the light glinted off the keen blade formed halos on teh walls.
Inviting me to a better place. A place where I would fit in. I wouldn't need to feel such pain. One cut and it would all be over.
What did I really want, I wondered. I'd never really felt the need for a boyfriend. I was loved by my friends and family and that was enough for me.
What is it that I was missing so badly?
I pulled the note that you wrote me out of my purse. The first love note I'd ever received - I remembered calling you quaint and laughing before melting in your arms. I was, no, I am such a pushover, when it comes to you.
As I reread it, almost having the words memorized, a cynical laugh bubbled up my throat.
Almost feeling as if I was floating above the girl in the kitchen, I remembered talking to her that day. Lulu, the girl you kissed. The girl you insisted was your cousin. I wondered if you'd made out with her then. Had you given her love notes too?
The knife fell on the floor, with a loud clatter, shattering my daydream.
I bent down and picked it up by the blade, wondering what I should do. Wondering if I really had a choice. I touched the edge of the blade, making sure not to press too hard.
The curiousity was overpowering. The need to know what was beyond.
The halos were glistening like dew drops on a spring morning. The kitchen was beautiful. The wind whistling through the window got louder and a flake of snow. A perfect, unique flake landed on the counter top.
Life was beautiful and I didn't want to leave just yet.
Wiping away my tears, I put the knife away.
I took one step, then two, then three away from the kitchen.
I might not make it all the way away, and now and then life may take me back there. But, I was moving farther away.
Because, the truth is, no one is worth enough for me to sacrifice my life. I am beautiful and smart and I don't need a man at my side to show me that.
I'm taking small steps to loving myself and enjoying my life. I might not know where I'm going. But, I know what and who I'm getting away from. And that's enough for me.

Hello, I'm Kate. I really enjoyed reading this. You have a talent for enticing readers! Also, I believe you did a great job delivering the message of what every girl goes through-heart breaks. Oh, and I am so glad that your character decided to be strong in such a difficult time.

fluteluvr77 wrote:How could I have not noticed?

I'm not sure if this is incorrect grammatically or not, but my suggestion would be that when your character is thinking a direct thought, put it in italics. Don't quote me!

fluteluvr77 wrote:The stutterings of "I was with a friend".

There should be a comma after 'of'.

fluteluvr77 wrote:What did I really want, I wondered.

Be careful of subject verb agreement! Also, 'What do I really want,' would follow the same rule I stated from before.

You really had no grammar mistakes. All I would suggest is that when citing the characters direct thoughts, italicize it. Ah, so enjoyable to read when there are few mistakes! Kudos to you for that. I completely understood everything that was going on, and you did a good job at describing the setting. I hope you write more.

Good job,

Kate

Hello,
I am so happy to be reviewing your piece of fiction today ! I really liked your description and setting. Your style was empowering, you sentence structure was at time long and complex. This is a good thing! It means your moving along in your writing, which was a great read, so if you add on to this please PM me so I can read that as well. On to some small grammatical errors:

I had ignored it and now I was reaping the reward.

There needs to be a comma after it because with out it this is a run-on sentence.

Amazement at my own ignorance.

this seems like a fragment. So try to lengthen it or use a verb somewhere.

The lies. The stutterings of "I was with a friend". The jewelry that you bought for your "cousin".

Instead of periods all these things should be strung along with commas. It should be connected with the sentence before this like: How could I have missed this...

The way the light glinted off the keen blade formed halos on teh walls.

I'm sure this is just a typo but the word the is spelled wrong

I was loved by my friends and family and that was enough for me.

A run-on sentence. a comma should be place after family

The need to know what was beyond.

This is a fragment and it breaks the rythm of the story.

The wind whistling through the window got louder and a flake of snow. A perfect, unique flake landed on the counter top.

These two sentence should be combined into one by taking out the period and placing a comma in it's place. There also needs to be a comma after louder

Life was beautiful and I didn't want to leave just yet.

A comma after beautiful

I might not make it all the way away, and now and then life may take me back there. But, I was moving farther away.

The repition here is redundant. Try using another word in place of it.

Because, the truth is, no one is worth enough for me to sacrifice my life.

The word because usually helps short sentences become long and complex, so it is rarely used for the beginning of a sentence, and I think that in this case it should be eliminated

I am beautiful and smart and I don't need a man at my side to show me that.

A comma after smart.

But, I know what and who I'm getting away from. And that's enough for me.

just like because but is a conjunction word and is used to combine sentences together so it isn't suggested to use it as a first word of a sentence. In this case take it out and put a word like Although, or I do know ...

OverAll: This was a fun read and I'm glad that I got to review it. I think to make this piece work you should work on her feelings a little more. I knew she was sad and hurting and why, but that was pretty much it. It didn't make me feel sorry for her, and as the protagonist you want the readers to root for her.

Other than that this was really good PM me if you have any questions

Thanks for the reviews, guys!
Rascal - I don't think I'm going to be continuing this. I've just been going crazy over the past few weeks, and Em (one of my best friends) suggested writing my thoughts out. So tada! But, I'll definitely take your suggestions into account before I submit it to Jared's contest.
Kate - Thanks for the review! I really don't like to italicize the character's thoughts, because the entire thing is inside her mind. I don't want to italicize every other sentence, y'know?

Hey hey! Classy here, as requested!

The way the light glinted off the keen blade formed halos on teh walls.

-the spelt wrong

The way the light glinted off the keen blade formed halos on teh walls.
Inviting me to a better place.

-you put these into two different paragraphs, they should be in the same one.

I was, no, I am such a pushover, when it comes to you

-I think you should emphasize the ‘am’ by italicizing it. It would make it clearer why you stuttered.

The wind whistling through the window got louder and a flake of snow. A perfect, unique flake landed on the counter top.

-this should be one sentence: “The wind whistling through the window got louder and louder as a perfect, unique snow flake landed on the counter top.”

What did I really want, I wondered. I'd never really felt the need for a boyfriend. I was loved by my friends and family and that was enough for me.

-sorry this is out of order, but since you obviously do care about a boy in your life since you would try to kill yourself over one, this sentence does not make sense.
If you meant this to be you trying to convince yourself, then you need to specify.

Overall
I liked this. It was easy to relate to, and everything you said was realistic. Nice job!

Classy

Hey there flute! Tis WD, as requested! So, I thought this was pretty nice! I liked the simple style you used here and many of your sentences struck close to home, the sign of a well-written piece. It has been mentioned that the circumstances surrounding this girl's feelings are rather vague, and, while I agree, I think this is rather nice. However, I would recommend that you think about whether you want this to lean on the vague or the specific side. Right now it flounders somewhere in between, and I think a bit more of a step towards either of those choices might improve this.

A lot of people here have mentioned some of the sentence-level issues, so I'm just going to talk about build here a little, all right? You have lovely style and I like your choice of the snowflake and how you do not use the symbol heavy-handedly. The subtlety and simplicity of it is nice. However, the problem I have with her change of mindset is its suddenness.

It's not terribly abrupt, but there is no build of tension to that moment. Right now it feels like you're telling me a series of events and your way of telling me is by no means bad, but it doesn't really pack the punch or hit me when she changes the way she thinks and puts the knife away. To fix this, I would suggest thinking about the build-up of tension. There are many ways to do this, whether by accelerating the sentence structure or simply heightening the emotional intensity into the mindset change.

What I would suggest is reading this aloud and listening to your sentences and what they are pointing towards. You want your sentences to grow and blossom into that epiphany, not to dump the reader into it without preparation. Does that make sense?

You have a nice start here! I just think that considering the tension and acceleration of this piece would make it a lot more powerful. Play with your sentences, play with your pacing. I think you have the basics down, so don't be afraid to experiment.

All in all, I like this! A nice job! Keep writing! And PM me if you have any questions.

I loved this! Your writing style is extremely unique. You made a heavy topic of lost love and suicide into something delicate and beautiful. I don't have any criticism for this story. It was perfect other than a few grammatical errors that have already been mentioned by those above me. Keep it up.
-youreit

Twin!
So my review on this will probably suck, but I know you asked me a while ago... And since you reviewed mah poem and all I guess I'm indebted.

A tear gently fell down my cheek as I realized it was over.

Try not to use adverbs unless absolutely necessary. I've noticed they can make peoples' writing seem flowery, so instead, focus on finding a more powerful verb (but fell works just fine ^^ ).

How could I have not noticed?

Don't like the order of words here. "How could I not have noticed?" sounds better in my head.

The jewelry that you bought for your "cousin".

He is LAME. And that deserved all caps.

The way the light glinted off the keen blade formed halos on teh walls.

Teh? And I already told you I like the kitcheny halos. Makes for a pretty image.

Inviting me to a better place. A place where I would fit in. I wouldn't need to feel such pain. One cut and it would all be over.

Why is this bit a seperate paragraph? Change the first sentence to "It invited me to a better place" and stick all that with the previous paragraph. Otherwise, it makes it seem clunky.

I was, no, I am such a pushover, when it comes to you.

Don't need that comma after pushover, dear.

Lulu, the girl you kissed.

Since you mention her so briefly, I think it's better not to give her a name. I don't see a reference to this girl further on in the story. By naming her, you turn her into something significant which really, she's not. Your main focus seems to be on him, anyways.

The wind whistling through the window got louder and a flake of snow. A perfect, unique flake landed on the counter top.

So you're line breaks. They kinda annoy me.
Meet Mr. Em Dash: -- The sentence(s) would read better like: The wind whistling through the windiw grew louder, and a flake of sniw -- a perfect, unique flake -- landed on the counter top.
See how it's not as abrupt of a stop? It provides enough of a pause without being jarring.

Life was beautiful and I didn't want to leave just yet.

I agree with WD. Her change in mindset is too abrupt. It'd pace better if she grappled with herself a bit more.

I might not make it all the way away, and now and then life may take me back there. But, I was moving farther away.

Way, away, away. I like what you're trying to say, but it gets repetitive. Try something like "I might not make it away entirely, and life may take me back there (don't like there so much either; maybe this place?). But I was moving farther back."


TwinTwin I love you and thank you for providing this amazing distraction. So, I like this, but it reads kinda like a blog post. I like your symbolism and metaphors and stuffs, though. 'Twas well-written, just work on all that technical stuff.
*likes*

flootsie! June here!

A tear gently fell down my cheek as I realized it was over.

Does this happen simultaneously, or should it be "When I realized it was over?"

It's not like it was anything new. The signs were plentiful; I just hadn't chosen to look. I had ignored it and now I was reaping the reward.

Combine this into a sentence, because this can easily become tedious to read.

The lies. The stutterings of "I was with a friend". The jewelry that you bought for your "cousin".

Stutters, dearie.

halos on teh walls.

the

Inviting me to a better place. A place where I would fit in. I wouldn't need to feel such pain. One cut and it would all be over.

Combine these coherently. These are all fragments, dearie, and you need to clarify what/who is inviting you.

As I reread it, almost having the words memorized,

Clarify! This sounds icky. "I reread it, realizing that I had almost memorized all of the words."

The curiousity was overpowering.

curiosity

The halos were glistening like dew drops on a spring morning. The kitchen was beautiful. The wind whistling through the window got louder and a flake of snow. A perfect, unique flake landed on the counter top.

The line about the kitchen is out of place, darling. Here, you have abstract images, like halos -- which, yeah, are concrete, but you know, it's metaphorical, but then you say the kitchen is beautiful,and that is kind of inverse to the point you're making.




I think you did a good job. I think the beginning was a bit heavy on suicidal themes, and that's fine, because it could be a good thing to use in writing. However! I would've liked more detail in this, more memories, and things of the likes so that this wouldn't come off as cliche as the beginning did.

Furthermore, while I'm in love with the twist of her not killing herself, the ending is anticlimatic. I think you should rework it, tweak it so that it's not so much a spiral-down-into finale finishing, you know?

Good to see you writing! Keep it up!

June

Hi. VanillaTwilight here. I just gotta say that I loved this piece. It demonstrates perfectly what so many girls go through. I really didn't find any grammar errors. I loved the description. All in all, you did a wonderful job with this piece. I hope to see more writing from you. Keep up the good work.

^^ Thanks for the reviews, guys...
I'll work on it!

D'AWWWWW~! What a nice piece this is! And it's short, making it convenient for me to review even though I'm busy with homework... YES, I'M BUSY WITH HOMEWORK. I'm dawdling on YWS to prove and support the fact. Why? Because I'm a procrastinator, that's why. XD


At first, I thought it was one of those, "OH NOEZ. NOT AGAIN!" cliche plots that I've grown so tired of reading here on YWS, and no matter how many users I "reprimand" (meaning I nitpick the living daylights out of their work), they STILL keep popping out! Are there no ends to these little agonies?!!!?!!!?11one LOL. Just kidding.

I was about to quit reading this, but then here comes this part:

I pulled the note that you wrote me out of my purse. The first love note I'd ever received - I remembered calling you quaint and laughing before melting in your arms. I was, no, I am such a pushover, when it comes to you.

I've experienced this. I'm a seme (if you know what I mean -winknudge-) but a... urm... "kind" one at that, to the point of spoiling my counterpart thoroughly, submitting to their every whim. I'm not sadistic, although I come with those kinds of urges from time to time... AHEM. Why am I telling you about myself again? Because I can relate. 'Tis all. And you have a good point here. Some do become pushovers when it comes to love, no matter how tough the person is.

And the next part is also full of emoemoclicheemo so I won't bother dealing with that. I think you know what I mean - a tricky dastard? A girl who allows herself to play along with said tricky dastard's lies? A "cousin"? Naw. Be realistic, dude. No one nowadays is dumb enough to go along with those kind of lame excuses and not see through them. Welcome to the twentieth century, baby, where the women are smarter than you presume they are. If you still believe these kinds of excuses up 'till now, you must be one heck of a naive person.

Almost feeling as if I was floating above the girl in the kitchen, I remembered talking to her that day. Lulu, the girl you kissed. The girl you insisted was your cousin. I wondered if you'd made out with her then. Had you given her love notes too?

Lulu. Ha. She has the same name as my pet Mary Sue Fish. I wonder if they'll get along. Do you have your own MSF? If not, I'll let you kill - erm - adopt one. They're great for relieving stress. Just beat 'em up if you feel like it. You won't get any complaints. Heck, the MSF might even enjoy it. The MSF also comes in mobile version. Would you like to order one? PM me.

I bent down and picked it up by the blade, wondering what I should do. Wondering if I really had a choice. I touched the edge of the blade, making sure not to press too hard.

And here was the part where my heart went, "THUMP-THUMP".

The curiousity was overpowering. The need to know what was beyond.

"THUMP-THUMP".

The halos were glistening like dew drops on a spring morning. The kitchen was beautiful. The wind whistling through the window got louder and a flake of snow. A perfect, unique flake landed on the counter top.

Life was beautiful and I didn't want to leave just yet.

OMGSURPRIEZTWIST! 8D This is nice! You didn't go all emo on us by killing your character! Way to go!

I took one step, then two, then three away from the kitchen.

...Hence the title 'Small Steps', although this particular sentence seems to have something a bit off about it... I just can't place a finger on it... I'll tell you when I find out what.

I might not make it all the way away, and now and then life may take me back there.

Lolwhut?

(translation: "This particular sentence does not seem to have anything to do with the rest of the piece/does not make sense. Please edit/omit/replace with something that will be more coherent for idiots like me.")

Because, the truth is, no one is worth enough for me to sacrifice my life. I am beautiful and smart and I don't need a man at my side to show me that.

Omit comma after 'because'. Powerful paragraph. Very true. Nice realization.

I'm taking small steps to loving myself and enjoying my life. I might not know where I'm going. But, I know what and who I'm getting away from. And that's enough for me.

This is too quick of a development. Recovery from heartbreak takes time, lovvie. But nice touchdown... you made it safely to the base. You win the game 0-15!


That concludes my review/rant. Sorry for being so hyper. Blame it on the candy. And seriously, YWS needs a little bit more of humour. Some of us are seriously hardcore literature fans, but in my opinion, it pays to be spontaneous. XD I've pointed out some parts that are more prominent and easy to point out; I'll go on a more detailed and a more comprehensible review on this piece later on when I'm done with this cavalry we all know more familiarly as "homework".


So there.


Toodles, my bonnie lass.


~Kate


PS: OMG. I have the same name as your first reviewer. Call me Sugar instead.

Hey fluteluvr,

some things I found disturbing... for example:

<A tear gently fell down my cheek as I realized it was over.> For me, this feeling is weak, and you need something more... painful. A tear, why not 'something clamped around my chest, and a tight lump formed in my throat.. tears started falling down my cheek as I realized that it was over." It's not great, but I feel we need to feel more pain from the narrator.

Secondly,

<Inviting me to a better place. A place where I would fit in. I wouldn't need to feel such pain. One cut and it would all be over.

What did I really want, I wondered. I'd never really felt the need for a boyfriend. I was loved by my friends and family and that was enough for me.

What is it that I was missing so badly?>

We're sort of misleaded here, because we think she wants to go to a better place, though after you say "what did I really want"... the timing to say these things is wrong. if you get me?

If you will allow it, i've got some other remarks.. such as:

<I bent down and picked it up by the blade, wondering what I should do. Wondering if I really had a choice. I touched the edge of the blade, making sure not to press too hard>... here, we know she thinks she wants to commit suicide, but why? like before, we can't feel the emotion she's going through.... i feel no pain. why does she wanna do it?

But OMG this was so beautiful <The halos were glistening like dew drops on a spring morning. The kitchen was beautiful. The wind whistling through the window got louder and a flake of snow. A perfect, unique flake landed on the counter top.

Life was beautiful and I didn't want to leave just yet.

Wiping away my tears, I put the knife away.>


It's a great start, and great message too! You captivated me, but like I said, just a few more feelings need to come out aww, it was great!

Awwwh, thanks for teh reviews, guys!
Sugar -

And the next part is also full of emoemoclicheemo so I won't bother dealing with that. I think you know what I mean - a tricky dastard? A girl who allows herself to play along with said tricky dastard's lies? A "cousin"? Naw. Be realistic, dude. No one nowadays is dumb enough to go along with those kind of lame excuses and not see through them. Welcome to the twentieth century, baby, where the women are smarter than you presume they are. If you still believe these kinds of excuses up 'till now, you must be one heck of a naive person.

XD Actually, this story is completely and utterly true. But. I do admit to being a stupidly naive person...
Thanks again, Sugar and Jazz
I'll edit it this weekend, hopefully.