Young Writers Society

*this is an edited version. thanks for the reminder, Lava.

Prologue:

The sound of laughter filled the air as a girl and a boy ran across the park, the grass muffling the sounds made by their little feet, their shouts of joy clearly heard, and their small hands clasped together.

Young as they might be and still unaware of things regarding promises and friendship, they somehow made a simple promise: that they will be the best of friends and they will look after the other if ever something happens.

One beautiful spring morning, they decided to go play in the park. Because it was near their houses, their parents didn't mind at all.

The girl and the boy played tag. While the girl was running, she fell and bruised herself. She whimpered, and the boy came over to kneel before her.

"What happened?" he asked.

The girl showed her bruised knee and pointed to the grass where a rock lay.

The boy sat beside the girl, thinking of what to do. Then he remembered what his older brother did when he cut himself while playing in their yard. He took out his handkerchief and tied it around the girl's knee. "There. Is that better?"

The girl wiped her tears, smiled shyly and nodded.

"You should know how to take care of yourself," the boy said. He took the girl by the hand and helped her to her feet.

"Why?" the girl asked.

"What if I wasn't around? Who would have helped you?"

Confused, the girl looked at the boy. "But..why wouldn't you be around? Are you going to leave me? What about our promise? Your promise?"

The boy smiled. "Of course, I will always be around," he said. "I won't forget that."

"You have to promise."

"Promise what?"

"That no matter what happens, you'll never leave me and we will always be friends."

"Okay," the boy said and shrugged. "I promise."

The girl placed her hands on her hips, momentarily forgetting about her bruised knee. "You don't mean it," she said. "You have to promise me and mean it."

The boy sighed. "Okay. I promise. And I mean it."

telle_04 wrote:**so my classmate constructed a story and asked me to write about it. it's in my notebook, and i'm down to chapter fourteen, but i guess i'll have to post the prologue first, and i hope you'll appreciate it.**


prologue:

the sound of laughter filled the air as a girl and a boy ran across the park, their little feet making thumping noises on the grass, < (I thought grass muffled all noises?) their voices clearly heard, and their hands clasped together. < (but I love this first paragraph)

These playmates, though quite young, promised each other that they will be the best of friends, to share a unique and deep kind of friendship. < (Uh-oh!*sob* they grow up so fast...)

They loved to play in the park because they get < (got. All the rest is in past tense.) to run all the time they want, lie on the cool green grass when they are < (were) tired, or climb the trees when they have < (had. This change of tense if confusing) nothing else to do. Because it was near their houses, < (what was?) they get to play there and their parents wouldn't mind.

Once, < (Grr! Capitals!) the girl was running and she fell and < (to many 'and's, it sounds weird. Change it?) bruised herself. She < (CAPITALS. REMEMBER CAPITALS.) whimpered and the boy came over to her and knelt before her. < (again, no many 'and's)

"What < (*Screams* What did I tell you???) happened?" he asked.

the girl showed her bruised knee. "i tripped over that log," she said between sobs.

the boy smiled, took out his handkerchief, and tied it around the girl's knee. "is that better?"

the girl wiped her tears, smiled shyly, and nodded.

"take care of yourself," the boy said. he took the girl by the hand and helped her to her feet. "it's the only favor i can ask from you."

"why?" the girl asked.

"so that i can assure myself that you'll be fine," he answered, "while we're not together."

confused, the girl said, "but we promised. no one will leave."

the boy just smiled. "come on," he said as he carried the girl on his back. "it will be difficult for you to walk. i'll just carry you home."

it so happened that a large tree separates the yards of their houses, and when morning comes, they meet under the tree and play in the park. after they finish playing, they would rest under that tree < (repitition of 'tree') and go on opposite directions.

however, one sunny morning, the girl waited under the tree. surprisingly, he wasn't there.

all she saw is a car parked in front of his house.

It was good and I liked it. You were jumping between tenses often, though, please fix it. Well written, but REMEMBER YOUR CAPITALS!!!!!!! What was happening? Are you against capitals? Is that it? Please!

Keep writing,

Durrance

P.s. See there? I didn't give you the customary thumbs up smiley. Becuase you forgot your poor caps. But becuase I'm nice, I'm going to give it to you here. See how nice I am? Just don't forget them again! I am watching you!

Capital letters, yes. Watch that. Now, this was telly, but that was its charm. I liked the plot line a lot. The boy's character confused me a bit - why is he so grown up [I am refering to the "take care of yourself" part]? Isn't he a kid? The girl, on her behalf, played her role well. Childish and believing and cute. I liked her. I'd like to read the rest - please PM me when it's out.
Keep writing! Ofir

I really liked this piece. Hopefully you'll post the rest soon=]. I think every one else got all the mistakes. Well, Keep writing --Jess.

I thought this was very charming, mistakes aside. I think Durriedog got most of the mistakes, so I'll work on flow and such.

Firstly, I agree that you need to 'dumb-down' the boy in a way. I got the impression that they were young, but a young boy probably wouldn't be so calm and serious. And they wouldn't have to punctual a vocabulary- assure? Good word if he were older, but if he's around six-ish (which is what I assumed from the text) then I think you should word it differently.

Another thing I'll say right now just because it helps here- did the boy move? You need to make that a bit clearer. Like, instead of a car, a 'big white van'. Maybe say something to the effect of there being boxes taken from out of the house... just something that implies he's moving, but doesn't say it directly. Anyways, back to what I was saying before- usually when a kid moves, they get really upset about it. They probably throw a temper tantrum, or just get pouty. While your boy character doesn't have to do this, I think you should make it so he doesn't seem as 'calm' in telling his best friend this.

The only other thing I want to add is your switch from past to present tense. It's a simple fix, but it can be distracting while writing. I've had my trouble with tenses before as well-it really can be hard to keep them in mind when writing a story.

I'll mention capitalization now. Easy fix- I personally didn't find it too detracting from the story, but of course you're going to need the proper punctuation ;].

Anyways, I really loved the story! It was simple, sweet, and powerful. Just fix those little things and it will be fantastic.

Hey telle!
what's up?

So the story was really cute and charming. I liked the characters,how you states them. I really like how you began the story and your style is beautiful, you have the kind of writing that I love to read: so classy but still interesting and new.

As everyone above has said, you have to watch your capitals, it's really important to watch your capitals and your grammar. Try to slow down a bit and get us more into the story so we can really see what they felt and how they saw each other, because right now it's loking really superficial.

Now let's move on to the review.

the sound of laughter filled the air as a girl and a boy ran across the park, their little feet making thumping noises on the grass, their voices clearly heard, and their hands clasped together.

This is nice but something that is really interesting when you are using the third person P.O.V is that as a narrator you can show us more than just that, you can show us how everything looked and how each of them felt. You can even tell us how that looked from a different view.

they loved to play in the park because they get to run all the time they want, lie on the cool green grass when they are tired, or climb the trees when they have nothing else to do

So how did they feel when they played in the park? How did the park look? How did the surrounding affect them? Don't tell us show us, there were parts in the whole story that were too telly and in writing the most important thing is to show. YOU can tell me the place was beautiful but I might be imagining something that has nothing to do. But if you told me that the place had a magical beauty and that every afternoon you could see how they sky changed from blue to red as the sun set and the leaves ruffled with the breeze, now there's a description.

once, the girl was running and she fell and bruised herself. she whimpered and the boy came over to her and knelt before her.

This is rushed and flat, it doesn't say much. If you really want us to see the importance of this part, I suggest you add some more description and don't go right into telling us that she fell.

"what happened?" he asked.

I have to give you credits because your dialogue punctuation was right. But...characterization, you have to give us some expression for example you can say he frowned or slowly knelt beside her. That keeps the dialogue and the whole story from sounding and looking too monotonous.

confused, the girl said, "but we promised. no one will leave."

I like this part because you can expand it and make it a really important part in the story. You tell us she is confused but you can still show us so much more. How did those words affect her? what was her expression?

however, one sunny morning, the girl waited under the tree. surprisingly, he wasn't there.

all she saw is a car parked in front of his house.

I don't like this part because you jump from where they are playing to this and you don't even give us something exact. You just tell us he didn't arrive but nothing else, you have to tell us how that affected the girl and how is going to change her. It's not possible that she remained in the tree with no reaction. Characters are people, they feel, they cry and if the character doesn't feel or cry or show some hints of being human, then...well, the character must be a rock which means is flat.

So that's all and if you need more help or have a question, just PM me and I'll be there.

XOXO
Pudin

hahaha.. i'm telle_04's brother. i'm a real SPOILER, and i will babble all what will happen in the story. just joking.

i've read this since chapter 13 (the ORIGINAL manuscript). it's interesting. it's good.
and you know what? she is planning it to become a movie! imagine.

in Filipino:
"hahahaha.. galing daw niya oh! inspired kay jericho. "

It was good and I liked it. You were jumping between tenses often, though, please fix it. Well written, but REMEMBER YOUR CAPITALS!!!!!!! What was happening? Are you against capitals? Is that it? Please!

Keep writing,

Durrance

P.s. See there? I didn't give you the customary thumbs up smiley. Becuase you forgot your poor caps. But becuase I'm nice, I'm going to give it to you here. See how nice I am? Just don't forget them again! I am watching you!

[/quote]

sorry for disappointing you with my use of lowercase handwriting. no, i'm not against capitals, but this is how it is saved in the drafts in my facebook account, so i just pasted it here. i still have a lot of editing to do, though.

i'll remember my capitals. promise. and thanks for the comment.

ofir wrote:Capital letters, yes. Watch that. Now, this was telly, but that was its charm. I liked the plot line a lot. The boy's character confused me a bit - why is he so grown up [I am refering to the "take care of yourself" part]? Isn't he a kid? The girl, on her behalf, played her role well. Childish and believing and cute. I liked her. I'd like to read the rest - please PM me when it's out.
Keep writing! Ofir

thanks so much for appreciating it. don't worry, i'll inform you once i've posted chapter one. sometime this week, maybe.
thank you again. god bless.

jessie2009 wrote:I really liked this piece. Hopefully you'll post the rest soon=]. I think every one else got all the mistakes. Well, Keep writing --Jess.

thanks, jess. i'm glad you appreciated it.

skl02134 wrote:I thought this was very charming, mistakes aside. I think Durriedog got most of the mistakes, so I'll work on flow and such.

Firstly, I agree that you need to 'dumb-down' the boy in a way. I got the impression that they were young, but a young boy probably wouldn't be so calm and serious. And they wouldn't have to punctual a vocabulary- assure? Good word if he were older, but if he's around six-ish (which is what I assumed from the text) then I think you should word it differently.

Another thing I'll say right now just because it helps here- did the boy move? You need to make that a bit clearer. Like, instead of a car, a 'big white van'. Maybe say something to the effect of there being boxes taken from out of the house... just something that implies he's moving, but doesn't say it directly. Anyways, back to what I was saying before- usually when a kid moves, they get really upset about it. They probably throw a temper tantrum, or just get pouty. While your boy character doesn't have to do this, I think you should make it so he doesn't seem as 'calm' in telling his best friend this.

The only other thing I want to add is your switch from past to present tense. It's a simple fix, but it can be distracting while writing. I've had my trouble with tenses before as well-it really can be hard to keep them in mind when writing a story.

I'll mention capitalization now. Easy fix- I personally didn't find it too detracting from the story, but of course you're going to need the proper punctuation ;].

Anyways, I really loved the story! It was simple, sweet, and powerful. Just fix those little things and it will be fantastic.

thank you for these comments! and thanks also for appreciating it. yeah, i've had problems with switching tenses, so i guess i'll encounter more comments like these.
i'm glad you weren't that bothered with my lowercase style, though.

okay, so about the boy..i've had the plot of the story fixed, and yes, i've made him older for his age. i guess that was my mistake--but still, it is a part of the story, so...
anyway, you're right about the boy, he's moving with his family, and well, you have to watch out for that.

thanks again.

pudin.junidf wrote:Hey telle!
what's up?

So the story was really cute and charming. I liked the characters,how you states them. I really like how you began the story and your style is beautiful, you have the kind of writing that I love to read: so classy but still interesting and new.

As everyone above has said, you have to watch your capitals, it's really important to watch your capitals and your grammar. Try to slow down a bit and get us more into the story so we can really see what they felt and how they saw each other, because right now it's loking really superficial.

Now let's move on to the review.

the sound of laughter filled the air as a girl and a boy ran across the park, their little feet making thumping noises on the grass, their voices clearly heard, and their hands clasped together.

This is nice but something that is really interesting when you are using the third person P.O.V is that as a narrator you can show us more than just that, you can show us how everything looked and how each of them felt. You can even tell us how that looked from a different view.

they loved to play in the park because they get to run all the time they want, lie on the cool green grass when they are tired, or climb the trees when they have nothing else to do

So how did they feel when they played in the park? How did the park look? How did the surrounding affect them? Don't tell us show us, there were parts in the whole story that were too telly and in writing the most important thing is to show. YOU can tell me the place was beautiful but I might be imagining something that has nothing to do. But if you told me that the place had a magical beauty and that every afternoon you could see how they sky changed from blue to red as the sun set and the leaves ruffled with the breeze, now there's a description.

once, the girl was running and she fell and bruised herself. she whimpered and the boy came over to her and knelt before her.

This is rushed and flat, it doesn't say much. If you really want us to see the importance of this part, I suggest you add some more description and don't go right into telling us that she fell.

"what happened?" he asked.

I have to give you credits because your dialogue punctuation was right. But...characterization, you have to give us some expression for example you can say he frowned or slowly knelt beside her. That keeps the dialogue and the whole story from sounding and looking too monotonous.

confused, the girl said, "but we promised. no one will leave."

I like this part because you can expand it and make it a really important part in the story. You tell us she is confused but you can still show us so much more. How did those words affect her? what was her expression?

however, one sunny morning, the girl waited under the tree. surprisingly, he wasn't there.

all she saw is a car parked in front of his house.

I don't like this part because you jump from where they are playing to this and you don't even give us something exact. You just tell us he didn't arrive but nothing else, you have to tell us how that affected the girl and how is going to change her. It's not possible that she remained in the tree with no reaction. Characters are people, they feel, they cry and if the character doesn't feel or cry or show some hints of being human, then...well, the character must be a rock which means is flat.

So that's all and if you need more help or have a question, just PM me and I'll be there.

XOXO
Pudin

hello, pudin.
thanks for the review. i'm glad you appreciated it, and i'm glad you evaluated it.
yes, i've made the prologue brief enough for others to make some vivid imagery, and i think that's really a mistake. i've really wanted it to be something short and sort of a cliffhanger, though, but i guess i wasn't that good at showing images or emotions. i'll have to work on that.

if i have the time, i'll be able to post the first chapter here. keep reviewing.
thanks again.

darkangel_05 wrote:hahaha.. i'm telle_04's brother. i'm a real SPOILER, and i will babble all what will happen in the story. just joking.

i've read this since chapter 13 (the ORIGINAL manuscript). it's interesting. it's good.
and you know what? she is planning it to become a movie! imagine.

hey! what are you doing here?
i'm not really planning it to become a movie. LOL.

in Filipino:
"hahahaha.. galing daw niya oh! inspired kay jericho. "

it means.. "hey, she's doing great! inspired by jericho"(my childhood crush. LOL)

Hehe, welcome and sorry ^_^