Horizon Line

Driving through the trafficked streets,
Backed up at the top of the hill
And we can see for miles (and miles).
All the way across the Sound –
There. Can you see Connecticut
Miles (and miles) away from us?
It’s dim in afternoon’s light,
And it blinks when our eyes don’t.
But we’re moving again, just
One pitiful inch at a time.
It’s a little clearer now;
Hazy blue against hazier
Green, against more dark hazy blue.
(Can you see it, right there, can you?)
There’s that place where ships disappear,
That line where sky and sea combine.
That’s where we’ll dance tonight, darling,
That’s where we’ll dance tonight.

Very nice! At first, I likened it to a Vampire Weekend song. But towards the end, it had a very sweet Calvin and Hobbes feel.

Spoiler

Explosive_Pen wrote:Driving through the trafficked streets,

Originally, "driving" threw me off. It gave me the impression that the narrator was somehow not stuck in the traffic. I wondered if the narrator was on a bike. I'd replace that word.

Explosive Pen wrote:backed up at the top of the hill
and we can see for miles (and miles).
All the way across the Sound –

Yeah, the only thing in Long Island is traffic.. I'm pretty sure that's the setting, no? I like the phrasing and line breaks very much. The "and" is put to good use.

Explosive Pen wrote:There. Can you see Connecticut
miles (and miles) away from us?
It’s dim in afternoon’s light,

I always hate the 's after afternoon, evening, or morning. Also; comma after Connecticut? Wonderful so far, your writing gives a strong emotional feeling, there's a lot of comfort and warmth in the pseudo-dialogue, and you're on your way to making Connecticut seem almost mythical. (Compared to Long Island, I guess)

Explosive Pen wrote:and it blinks when our eyes don’t.

Wonderful line. There's something in here that further makes Connecticut seem unattainable, like a mirage. I almost feel as though I know where this is going, and I like the poem even more.

Explosive Pen wrote:But we’re moving again, just
one pitiful inch at a time.

The "But" seems out of place.

Explosive Pen wrote:It’s a little clearer now;
hazy blue against hazier
green, against more dark hazy blue.
(Can you see it, right there, can you?)

Maybe: "hazy blue against hazy/green, against still hazier dark blue"? It just sounds better that way, I think.

Explosive Pen wrote:There’s that place where ships disappear,
that line where sky and sea combine.
That’s where we’ll dance tonight, darling,
that’s where we’ll dance tonight.

Reminds me of:

What did I know, what did I know
Of love's austere and lonely offices?

Great stuff. I love the repetition of the last line, which summoned images of Robert Hayden. Good company to be in.

***

I see this poem as a really beautiful allegory for life and death. Perhaps it was not your intent, but I'm not wrong. I feel as though the Long Island (orginally I wondered if the narrator was in my home-county of Westchester, but no, I like Long Island for this) traffic jam represents life. The narrator and his companion move slowly along and from the top they glimpse the promised land, the Elysian Fields of (Greenwich) Connecticut. The combination of sky and sea, and the image of a sailing ship remind us of death. Yet the image of dancing reminds us of what life is about. Significant too, is the word "darling" which not only puts an older couple firmly in my mind, but tells us more of love and a lifetime of relationships than a new stanza could. There's something wonderful about the summation of this poem- the characters riding off into the fading afternoon light (to get out of LI, you go west, right?) And there's all this imagery of a send-off, a wonderful peaceful end. Again, it's very Calvin and Hobbsesque. With very simple language, you've let me write the start of a dissertation. Bravo.

Spoiler

Awww.

Penzpickle! *snugs* I'm gonna review your lovely poetry.

Driving through the trafficked streets,
Backed up at the top of the hill
And we can see for miles (and miles).
All the way across the Sound –
There. Can you see Connecticut
Miles (and miles) away from us?

I feel the repetition is unnecessary and hacks up the flow your are starting to build. But it is very nice otherwise.

It’s dim in afternoon’s light,
And it blinks when our eyes don’t.
But we’re moving again, just
One pitiful inch at a time.

This line is a little confusing to me but I love the imagery it gives me. Lovely Pen.

It’s a little clearer now;
Hazy blue against hazier
Green, against more dark hazy blue.
(Can you see it, right there, can you?)

I'd change the first line to "It's clearer now;" I find it would work nicely with the poem. You're line seems a little bit too long. Also, the line is separated strangely I feel you chopped the sentences at the wrong places

Something like: (bolded means I suggest you cut it out)

It's a little clearer now;
Hazy blue against hazier green,
Against more dark hazy blue.
(Can you see it, right there, can you?)

There’s that place where ships disappear,
That line where sky and sea combine.
That’s where we’ll dance tonight, darling,
That’s where we’ll dance tonight.

I love this line. The imagery it gives me is just marvelous. It flows very nicely and the wording is great. Love it!

Overall:
Lovely Pen dear. Just lovely. I enjoyed this very much
Write more and more and more!

Lots of love,
Kamas

Muahaha, Long Island traffic is indeed treacherous (even though I don't yet drive xD). Thanks for your reviews. ^^

Wow Penzipop do I neglect my WRFF threads. I totally spaced it out my dear. I’m very sorry.

But I’m not going to nitpick too deeply at this for one main reason and that is for the fact that poetry really isn’t my strongest area to critique, though the practice never hurt.

Flow
This is my main problem, most importantly at the beginning. Something about the way the poem flowed made it difficult for me to get into it and I had to start over as I was reading it several times to actually catch a feel for it. If you were intending for a confused feeling in the poem, you definitely got it, but it wasn’t until the end, the last four lines really, that I began to feel the poem.

(Parenthesis)
The use of parenthetical marks was a distraction that really bothered me. It seemed to pull away from the writing and I wasn’t sure if it was intended to make the words within them stand out or become less important.

But like I said, the last four lines did impress me. They were clear, they seemed the same enough to belong to one poem but they were different enough to make a poem. I’m sorry I’m not the most help ever, but I hope it was at least some help.

~lileh

This is niice Expo, very nice.
The first thing I noticed is that the lines seemed to me to divide themselves into groups of two; it made me wonder if you might consider separating them into stanzas? Like so:

Spoiler

Driving through the trafficked streets,
Backed up at the top of the hill

And we can see for miles (and miles).
All the way across the Sound –

There. Can you see Connecticut
Miles (and miles) away from us?

It’s dim in afternoon’s light,
And it blinks when our eyes don’t.

But we’re moving again, just
One pitiful inch at a time.

It’s a little clearer now;
Hazy blue against hazier

Green, against more dark hazy blue.
(Can you see it, right there, can you?)

There’s that place where ships disappear,
That line where sky and sea combine.

That’s where we’ll dance tonight, darling,
That’s where we’ll dance tonight.
(and yes, I completely stole Smorgish's idea with the spoilers. I love it)

I'm not sure if it really makes a difference in how it's read, but I thought I'd put that out there. Like I said, that's almost how I automatically read it anyway.

I have to agree with Lily about the way the poem flowed. It was kind of difficult, kind of distracting, and not very smooth at all. It's a shame because you use beautiful language and imagery. I always suggest reading poetry aloud to help pinpoint problem spots; maybe that will help you, maybe it won't. Another thing that might make it easier, rather than going through and trying to figure out every individual line so that it reads more smoothly, is deciding on a set rhythm. That is, assigning each line a certain number of syllables, so that there's a patter, and sticking with that pattern throughout. There's an article in the KB about it if you're interested. (it goes into rhyming a little bit, but obviously you don't need to worry about that part; it's all good tips though)

Again, I have to steal Smorgish's idea. =)

Spoiler

Driving through the trafficked streets,
Backed up at the top of the hill
This 2'nd line here seems to be one of the more problematic for your rhythm. I also agree about the word "driving". I wasn't sure at first, but I saw that later on you talk about them only moving an inch at a time, so I knew for sure you were talking about them being stuck in traffic. "Driving" sounds too much like... driving. xD

And we can see for miles (and miles).
It should be a comma in place of that period =)
All the way across the Sound –
There. Can you see Connecticut
I love the affect of the dash, and the "there".

Miles (and miles) away from us?
I may be biased because I happen to like hyphens, but I wonder if those wouldn't work better than the parenthesis. The parenthesis almost seem to separate "and miles" too much.
It’s dim in afternoon’s light,
And it blinks when our eyes don’t.
But we’re moving again, just
One pitiful inch at a time.
It’s a little clearer now;
Hazy blue against hazier
Green, against more dark hazy blue.
I think you could get rid of "more", especially since the 3rd colour is dark blue; the first is just blue. I like the distinction between them, but the more erases that.
(Can you see it, right there, can you?)
There’s that place where ships disappear,
That line where sky and sea combine.
[color#400080]Starting the line above with another "there's" would improve the rhythm here. Since you have repetition in other spots, I think it would go quite nicely, especially since your biggest repetition is in the very next two lines.[/color]
That’s where we’ll dance tonight, darling,
That’s where we’ll dance tonight.
Great finish

Like I said, this is very nice, it's lovely; unfortunately the rhythm detracted from it quite a lot. But hopefully you'll work it out, and that article will be of some help. =) If I can be of any more help let me know!

-Adna

Explosive_Pen wrote:And we can see for miles (and miles).
All the way across the Sound –

I liked that bit, dunno why. It just sounds nice. This sounds kinda like a song. Or at least it has the potential to be. Good work.

The beginning line has the word trafficked.
Yes, you guessed. If it is a word, then keep it. Perhaps there is another cool-looking word instead of "trafficked." ^.^* ?
Ha-ha. I'm not really used to pointing out the negative things. Your poem sounds very positive actually and it's very cool. I love how it ends. It is a very nice ending.

~ Pacific

Haha, I love it! You did an amazing job with the perspective of the poem. I hope you continue to write.

Nice detail too.