Tell Him

He's all alone, just sitting there
On his shoulders is the whole world's hate
He bears the wind with a frontwards stare
He's still alive but it's too late

Others pass this degraded scene
They only pause to release their scorn
They all know that it's plain obscene
No mercy, he shouldn't have been born

I know he still gazes at her
Forever's not enough to see
And it's already too late to deter
It's me, and of course, my threnody

I'd love to go over to sit by him
And give him the sky's sleeve to cry on
But that would be going too far on the limb
I don't see the fruit, it's already gone.

Each stone that's thrown at his battered form
Will break each and every bone
Every name branded is a secret storm
And I leave him solo, I've left him alone.

I'd tell him that I loved him too
Not only to let him die with grace
But because I really and truly do
A truth that even heaven won't face

Hi forever! Thanks for posting in my will review thread! It got buried a while ago Anyway as it said on my thread, I am not that good at poetry so I can only really give my overall views and try and be of as much help as I can be This is actually going to be my first every lyric poetry review, I hope it makes sense *fingers crossed*

Well I think this was beautiful, so sad but really beautiful. I think you finished perfectly, this poem really made me pause and think.

If I'm being very picky, I think you could maybe change this line a little bit to flow easier:

No mercy, he shouldn't have even been born

to perhaps something like 'No mercy, he should never have been born' so that it is syllable less. And I'm not sure if this line:

I'd tell him I loved him too

might run smoother with 'that' after him.

But I am no expert at poetry at all so do whatever you think I think this is wonderfully written, I almost felt as if I was the woman who wanted to go to him and couldn't, I think you have managed to show her sorrow really well- this is a great piece! *Star*

This is a really sweet poem that really relates to a lot of people. About the fear of loving someone because they're being made fun of and such. I like it and the way you portrayed the situation was really good.

I just think that you could use a better syllable pattern.

But otherwise, wonderful. You really used good imagery and such.

X Sophie

Hiya Forever!!!

Thanks for posting in my thread. ^^ I haven't gotten a reply in a while. Sorry this took a long time.

Harsh??? I doubt it. You're a good writer.

Onto the review.

Hmmm, I really like the idea of this; its really sweet, but the rhythm scheme is a little off.
I don't know, you could put some punctuation in it but you don't have too. It looks pretty good without.

Here:

Others pass this degraded scene

And here:

They all know that it's plain obscene

It doesn't quite rhyme. There is the "scene" part in both of them which makes it a bit... Odd sounding I guess. I'm not sure... There isn't many words that you could replace it with and make it still sound good. Sorry. I'm not sure about that...

And it's already too late to deter

I think you should take out the "and". It would make the rhythm better, I think.

I don't see the fruit, it's already gone.

This sounds funny to me. Partly because I don't get the fruit thing...

And I leave him solo, I've left him alone.

I think you should cross out the "and", because you are basically saying the same thing.

I'd tell him that I loved him too

Not only to let him die with grace

But because I really and truly do

A truth that even heaven won't face

This is my favorite stanza. Its so sweet and nice. Plus the rhythm here is good too.

Okay. That's all for the nitpickity stuff.
So. I counted out the syllables and there isn't really a rhythm scheme. I don't know if you were making it a free verse, but there was a pattern at first then it stopped.

So, what I counted was this:
First stanza: 8,9,9,8
Second: 8,9,8,9
Third: 8,8,10,10
Fourth: 10,9,10,10
Fifth: 9,7,10,11
Sixth: 8,9,10,9

The beginning stanzas were similar but then at the end the syllables started to get really long. I'd suggest try to make it closer in syllables so it will sound much more smooth. Does that make sense? Sorry if I'm confusing you. >_<

Feel free to PM me if you have a question on my review.
~Storm

Forever Threnody wrote:He's all alone, just sitting there
On his shoulders is the whole world's hate
He bears the wind with a frontwards stare
He's still alive but it's too late

"Frontwards stare"? As opposed to...a backwards stare? This makes no sense unless its heavily, heavily abstract, in which case it sounds pretentious.

Others pass this degraded scene
They only pause to release their scorn
They all know that it's plain obscene
No mercy, he shouldn't have been born

You're word-stuffing - that is, you are just throwing word and phrases in there and that's ruining the flow of the poem like a rock obscuring the river. Take out "only" in the second line, "plain" in the third line, and completely re-do the last line. The "no mercy" also interrupts the flow because I am assuming it refers to the thoughts of the people passing by but it seems unnecessary considering what comes after it.

I know he still gazes at her
Forever's not enough to see
And it's already too late to deter
It's me, and of course, my threnody

I'd love to go over to sit by him
And give him the sky's sleeve to cry on
But that would be going too far on the limb
I don't see the fruit, it's already gone.

The poem is weighed down by forced rhymes. A prominent example is "too far on the limb", which looks like a clumsy attempt to find something to rhyme with "him"; its too colloquial compared to the rest of the poem and it's out of place.

Each stone that's thrown at his battered form
Will break each and every bone
Every name branded is a secret storm
And I leave him solo, I've left him alone.

I'd tell him that I loved him too
Not only to let him die with grace
But because I really and truly do
A truth that even heaven won't face

Third stanza is decent, fourth stanza has wasted potential. Instead of telling the reader that heaven won't face your love, nuance it so that the reader can figure out for himself the complex drama between the skies and the heart. Talk about the seraphs, the folding in of perfection to envelop your yearning, etc.

Hope that helped.

Hi Forever!
Kat's here for a review - as requested!
So, let's get on to it!

He's all alone, just sitting there.
On his shoulders is the whole world's hate;
He bears the wind with a frontwards stare.
He's still alive but it's too late.

So, I'd like to concentrate on your punctuation, because I think there are some things missing. I've put my thought in bold.
Now, the last line, made me wonder: why is too late? And I noticed that you didn't explained it in the next stanza.

Others pass this degraded scene,
They only pause to release their scorn.
They all know that it's plain obscene
No mercy, he shouldn't have been born.

It's really hard to put punctuation in this! All lines seem to want a final. That means that you should try to connect your lines a bit more. The last line sounds like it was put in there to rhyme. The first part fits, the second seems... dispensable.

I know he still gazes at her,
Forever's not enough to see.
And it's already too late to deter.
It's me, and of course, my threnody

This made me smile. Weird, ain't it? Smiling on a sad poem. The rhythm changed a bit, but I think it wasn't screwed up. The rhyming throughout the poem are well excused. I particularly liked this one.

I'd love to go over to sit by him,
And give him the sky's sleeve to cry on;
But that would be going too far on the limb.
I don't see the fruit, it's already gone.

Probably, is just me, but I don't understand the fruit part. I'm just plain ignorant.

Each stone that's thrown at his battered form,
[s]W[/s] will break each and every bone,
[s]E[/s] every name branded is a secret storm.
And I leave him solo, I've left him alone.

This, certainly, is my favorite stanza. I just love it. One thing: in the last line you say the same thing twice. Only that you pass from present to past. Also, remember that you don't have to capitalize very first word of a sentence.

I'd tell him that I loved him too.
Not only to let him die with grace,
[s]B[/s] but because I really and truly do.
A truth that even heaven won't face.

Nice ending.

And that's it, dear! It was a delightful read.

*Kat*

Hi everyone, thanks for the reviews.

>>> Nope, not yearning. Just stating a prominent fact of life that people are mean to others because they're afraid that by being with them, it's ruining their reputation. Also, they aren't giving the person a chance at life.

>>> I do agree I repeated a ton, but a poem needs to flow, I'll work on that though.

Thanks again.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Dear, I don't think I can be harsh on such a lovely poem, but I shall try my very best...And, most probably fail epically!

Descriptions - Darling, I would like a tad more of this here and there. I understand that this is a bit difficult since the topic isn't something that can be described. But, stanzas like the first are quite good, while this wonderful quality is lost in the second stanza. What do you mean obscene scene? Describe it a little more. If imagery doesn't work, try some comparisons. Personally, I would try to create a picture in the reader's mind through similes or metaphors. Compare it to a murder scene perhaps? Say that he is lying on the floor while people walk by? Maybe say that he died because of carrying the weight of the world on his back, unappreciated alive and scorned in death? Describe and show me exactly what makes the scene so obscene. Now, I know that the first stanza talks about how he is still alive and that a murder scene would mess it up. So, what I would do is something like add what would happen if he died. Maybe show that it wouldn't matter either way? Maybe say that he didn't have anything to live for and will have nothing after death either? Just describe the scene a little more, and help create a picture in the reader's mind. I would also rewrite the last stanza...for some reason the end doesn't work for me. Everything is shown so subtly and then it is just thrown in our faces. Wait. I'm getting ahead of myself...again...So, basically use some similes, metaphors, imagery and try to create a picture in the reader's mind of what makes the scene so obscene. In the sixth stanza, I would describe the feeling of love, and the feeling of loss. What does it feel like? Maybe even add a little talking about how he feels to die without grace. Maybe each breath he takes feels like a step on broken glass with no end in sight? Because of the simple reason that nobody cares about him? The love for him that the author holds. Is it ripping her heart out? Or is it just calm? Is there passion behind it? This also helps to add to the emotion of the poem. Ya?

Emotion - Hmm, I feel the emotion in this poem but I would like a lot more of it. A lot. In the first stanza, you begin to make me feel bad for him but the feeling isn't properly developed. Make me feel how lonely he is. I want to empathize with him so much that I just want to cry. Now, this is quite hard for me to accomplish as well...XD. However, some points that I have learned are as follows. It is important to have a really good idea to start with. The idea should have some feeling behind it...Yours, m'dear, is perfect. Now, this seems like a rather personal experience for you. This makes it a bit harder to relate to because the reader has no idea whatsoever of what you're talking about. So, we want to make it so that the reader feels what you are feeling. One of the best ways to do that is comparing. The reader knows the emotion of loneliness that the man in your poem is going through. However, they want to feel it! Make us feel his pain! (Wow, that sounded quite odd...XD) Now, you do an excellent job on that in the fourth stanza. I mean, I don't think that any reader has had stones thrown at them (if you have...no comment XD), but it's a great way to show the pain of the narrator. Now, although emotion could be added everywhere, the only places that I really have problems are the second and last stanza. What exactly makes it so obscene? Alright....so people don't like him...he's lonely...That sounds rather apathetic, if you know what I mean. Maybe say that each look of scorn was like a hot poker into his heart. Does each person who walks by add to the pain that he feels? Is his heart being ripped apart piece by piece with each person who just doesn't care? How does it all feel?? What exactly is this pain of loneliness? Is it like snow on glass, fading away instantly? Or is it a hot poker forever branded into your soul? Y'know what I mean? Same thing with the sixth stanza. What exactly is love? Is it pain? Is it joy? Is it like that first breath of air after staying underwater for a while? Is it pure ecstasy? Or does the pain mixed in make it all real? Basically just tell me how love feels, and how much the narrator wants him to know that he truly was loved. Show me her longing, her love, and how much she misses him. Y'know?

Message - Beautiful message here, darling! There were a couple of parts that I didn't like about the way that you conveyed it. Especially in the last stanza. (by the way, O.o I didn't think I was this harsh of a poetry critique...I really did like this poem!!) Alright so you have this intricate weaving showing us her feelings, and his. And then you suddenly blast at us this stanza that totally ruins the flow. You simply tell us : I love him, he loves me, he was loved. He wasn't alone. And, dear, that isn't something that I would like to hear. Through all your stanzas I've been getting this message subtly. I'd rather not have it thrown at me in such a blunt form! This is another good place for a comparison. You've talked about pain, loneliness and love throughout the entire poem. Now, just add how it's everlasting. How some things just never change and that this is one of them. The hot poker burned into your heart (I really like this example today for some odd reason...XD) will forever leave a mark. Maybe end it with something like pictures may fade, but memories are everlasting. Show that there is love and yearning. Show me that she will miss him terribly. Maybe say she will reach for him no matter what everyone says. Tell us that she loves him, without telling us he loves him....does that make any sense at all? Alright...I'll try to explain what I mean. Instead of saying : I love you forever. No matter what. Say something like : Your mark everlasting, burnt into my memories. Forevermore proving that you died in grace. My example is quite bad, but you know what I mean right? Just don't throw it in our faces. You're a lot better at the whole subtlety in poetry thing than I am...So, just fix up the last bit so it doesn't sum up the entire poem. Instead, just mention that it is everlasting...Summing up the entire poem makes it seem like prose separated into lines...

Overall - Whoaa! This was amazing, Threnody! ^_^ I hope the review was harsh enough for you! If not harsh, at least long...XD I'm a total poetry dork if you can't tell...Anywayz, one major thing that I adored about your poem was its rhyme scheme. It didn't seem at all forced and flowed really smoothly. Gold star for you, darling! Thanks for using my thread! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me! And, you really don't need to give me points, dear. Reviewing such wonderful pieces like yours is my pleasure!

fluteluvr77<3

Wow, this was really great! There's only two little (nitpicky) things that I saw.

One was the "he shouldn't have been born" phrase. Its a good line and is in tune with the poem, but it just didn't sound like it belonged there.

The second thing is that you never explain what happened to make this boy so unhappy. A little more of the backstory would benefit it greaty.

All in all: 9.5/10