In Repair

It's not very good, so don't worry I expect the harsh criticism already. It's written for a friend. I hope they like it.

I'm not fully put together,
My heart needs repair,
But day by day,
I'm getting there.

I'm trying my hardest,
I want to be okay,
But the harder I push,
The more I fade away.

I'm not out of time,
No reason to quit yet,
So please don't cry,
Don't get upset.

I'm not confused,
I know how I feel,
Things aren't easy,
But I'm trying to heal

I'm needing you now,
To try to understand,
That I've fallen,
That I need a hand.

I'm not asking everyone,
I just need you,
So please stay,
Please help me through.

I'm not fully put together,
My hearts out for repair,
But day by day,
I'm getting there.

Hiya Muff! That is now your nickname in my books. ^_^ Onto the critique.

I'm not confused,
I know how I feel,
Things just aren't easy,
But I'm trying to heal

I would cut "just" from the third line her. I feel like you'd need to explain it more, but explaining it more wouldn't do well.

I'm needing you now,
To try to understand,
That I've fallen,
That I need a hand.

I would rewrite the first line as: I need you now,

"I'm needing you now" just feels a cumbersome when reading it aloud.

I enjoyed this poem. It's pretty simple, but I believe your friend who knows all about this will understand it better.

One thing I'm wondering about, however, is the a-b-c-b rhyme here. It could be that I have simply been writing so many poems that don't rhyme, but I still feel it's a bit limited with the rhyme scheme. If you like it this way, though, that's fine. The non-rhyming thing is just a suggestion.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

I think your being very hard on yourself, i think its a very good piece which i enjoyed reading and would happily read again,

"I'm not fully put together,

My hearts out for repair,

But day by day,

I'm getting there."

I have to say, the start of this reminded me of a robot trying to tell the reader how it was being made. I assume it's supposed to be a person, so i would suggest re-writing this a tad to make it sound more human.

this is a great piece of poetry
i love how you've made it rhyme
i have no other criticisms to add!
everyone else has said what i was thinking!!

Anyy of the above comments I've hopefully fixed, but please don't stop reviewing.

Hey, I liked it. Even though one person commented on how your first stanza sounded like the speaker was a robot, I thought it commented on how you were feeling. It created this image of a person struggling to function like a robot would if it was missing some parts. I'd have to agree with the one lady though. You should maybe write a bridge with a different rhyme structure just to vary it up a bit. It would give the poem some texture and keep the reader guessing. Overall I'd say I liked it. It was heartfelt and simple, but simply sweet. Cool Beans

Ok, sorry that took so long to get to. Here's the review you asked for!

Since this is poetry, you don't have to have grammar any way at all, but a few of those lines are sentences, and would use a period instead of a comma. Ignore the next few comments if you don't want to change it. It's your choice.

I'm not fully put together,

My heart needs repair,

But day by day,

I'm getting there.

Period after the first and second, the last two lines are right.

I'm trying my hardest,

I want to be okay,

But the harder I push,

The more I fade away.

Period after first and second line, and the last two are fine (again haha).

Anyway, you get the point.

Overall: It feels a little empty. There isn't really emotion, or depth to this. It feels like you were too interested in making it rhyme that you ignored the substance. There wasn't really any point to this other than someone feels incomplete. I think if you thought about why this person feels that way, it might have more subtance to it. Like add specifics. Even if the lines were longer, it might help give you more room to say things. This is just repetetive and hollow.

Not to say it wasn't plesant to read, but especially with poetry, there should be emotion there to go along with it.

Sorry if this was too harsh!

Alright, Muff, thanks for using my thread. And, sorry for the wait...I've had a rather long queue of reviews lately!

Flow - Dear, this is quite good, and trust me I'm not dead yet! Alright, so all the stanzas seemed to go together except for the third. You're talking about fading away and suddenly you're saying that there's still time? This seems a bit redundant, since basically you say that you're trying, then that you aren't going to quit. Saying the same thing twice ruins the flow you have going on there. I would advise deleting that stanza. A transition isn't needed between the second and the fourth stanzas; in fact, I think they sound quite good together! Now, in the first stanza the beginning bothers me. "I'm not fully put together" is overly wordy for me. It throws me off for some reason. Maybe try something simpler like I'm not in one piece? Y'know?

Emotion - You amaze me. This was perfect in this category and I'm completely speechless. I loved the way that you showed us the pain. However, being my nitpicky self, I found some things you could add. I would really enjoy some metaphors in this. You tell us the pain that she is going through...But what's it like? Maybe compare it to walking on broken glass? Maybe she isn't quitting because she can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know what I mean right? Some metaphors and similes would just make this piece a lot more relatable. But, this is amazing on its own, and I can see the pain that you must be going through. Poetry tends to be more about the reader than the writer. When reading this, I can feel your pain. So, excellent job!

Imagery - I would like a little more of this as well. Describe what the pain is and exactly what it feels like. Is it like long and drawn-out? Is it like rain continually pounding down on the pavement? Does each droplet have the force of a hammer behind it? Does it make you want to break down and cry? Or is it short-lived? Does it melt away like snow on a window? Is it possible to forget it? Or is it endlessly branded on to your heart as if someone has pounded it in with a hot poker? Then, we come to your friend. How does this friend make you feel? Is she an umbrella sheltering you between the power? Is she stopping you from shattering into pieces? Does she protect you? How exactly does this happen?

Overall - Good job! I enjoyed reading your piece very much. The few suggestions I have are rather nitpicky in nature. I don't think there are any real mistakes you have made; these are just some suggestions that you could use. Excellent job on this and gold star for you! Oh, and thanks for using my thread, darling!