Young Writers Society

ONE

The bus pulled to a stop.I got off , thanked the driver and started to walk across the road to our house. It had started to rain. I could smell the wet tarmac : ripples formed in the puddles around my feet and water dripped off the leaves of the privet hedge that grew near our house.

I walked up to the path and unlocked the door. I could hear a car behind me sloshing through a puddle on the road.
“Hello!” I called out, but no one answered. I put my black rucksack down on a chair in the hall and went into the kitchen. There was a note on the dresser propped up against the telephone.

Have gone shopping. Won’t be long, remember to unload the dishwasher. Mum and Dad.

Through the window, I could see the rain had started to pour down and I felt glad to be inside. There
was a litter of leaves spread over the lawn like brown crinkled pieces of paper.

I emptied the dishwasher and then went upstairs to my room. I changed my clothes and sat down on the bed. I needed to think. There was something about myself I had discovered today: something very important. Something I had not realised until now.

“What am I going to do?” I said to myself. But I already had a rough idea about what I should and shouldn’t do.

Pretty soon I had dozed off. I woke up just as the others came back.
“Paul, are you there?” Dad called.
“Up here. I’m coming down!” I shouted back.
I went downstairs.
"How was your day then, Paul?" asked my Dad.
" Fine," I replied.
" Did you hand in that assignment?" Mum asked.
"Yes, thankfully and I got one back."
"How did you do then?" she asked me.
"I got pass, merit and distinction."
"Oh, well done." said Dad.
I smiled.I knew the time was not right to tell them: at least it wasn't now.

TWO
The next day I went to college again. I was doing my first year of Animal Management. I had always had an interest in animals, so it seemed a good subject for me to study.

The college was a ten minute bus ride away from my house. The bus this morning was full of noisy school children. I groaned but I managed to find a seat at the back. I sat next to a woman in a purple coat who was reading a Ruth Rendell novel.
The bus lurched around the corner and set off.

In ten minutes I arrived at the college. I walked through the automatic doors of the reception and saw my friend Norma Davidson there. She was sitting on a brown leather sofa.
“Hi ,” she called.
“Hello”, I replied sitting down beside her. “ How are you doing with that assignment we had last week?”
“The one on animal transportation?”
“Yeah, that one.”
“Oh, okay. I’m on the merit part. I’m not going for distinction on this subject. I just think it’s really boring.”
I nodded.
“Oh, I saw your friend Daniel Alford. He asked me if you had come in yet,” Norma said.
My heart jumped and I felt very excited at the mention of Daniel.
“ He’s a nice person, isn’t he?” Norma went on.
“Yes, very,” I said.
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
“Oh well. We’d better be getting on to the classroom. Adrian will be annoyed if we are late.” Norma said.
We got up and went outside.

As we were walking along the path to the room I heard Daniel call me. I turned to meet him.
“ Hello, Paul. Are you OK?”
“ Yes thank you. And yourself?” I asked him.
“ Not too bad. Are you off to a lesson now? “
I nodded.
“Well, I’ll let you go then. See you at lunch break.” He turned to go.
Norma and I walked into the classroom and sat down.

Most of the other students were there already. Adrian ,our genetics teacher, had his back to us and was writing something on the white board with a blue pen.

“ I hate this lesson on Genetics, “ I murmured to Norma.
“You say that every week,” she whispered back.
“ Only because it’s true, “ I said.
She didn’t reply so I started thinking about Daniel and when I would see him at lunch.

Hiya there, I saw that this was looking pretty lonely so I've decided to pop by and give you a review (: So, my reviewing techniques go as so: I will go through your piece, all my comments will be in bold and [] and anything I've added in will just be in bold. I will then do an overview, and go through my review with you at the end. Well, I think that's everything covered; I hope this helps!! =D

Pringle wrote:ONE

I [Now, this is the first line of your first chapter, so you want something that will grab reader's attention from the start, and using 'I' as a starter certainly isn't a recipe for that. So, try and start this off without using 'I' as the first word] got off the bus, thanked the driver and started to walk across the road to our house.
[NP >>]It had started to rain. I could smell the wet tarmac : ripples formed in the puddles around my feet and water dripped off the leaves [love the imagery you've created with your description here. Great job! (: ] of the [s]privet[/s] private hedge that grew near our house.

I walked up to the path, turned my key in the lock and opened the door [a lot of telling instead of showing is being used here. Try and add in more descriptions, and show us what your MC is passing, seeing, even smelling...].
“Hello!” I called out, but no one answered. I put my black rucksack down on a chair in the hall and went into the kitchen. There was a note on the dresser propped up against the telephone.

"Have gone shopping. Won’t be long
"remember to unload the dishwasher"
"Mum and Dad" [Now, the use of speech marks suggests that someone is talking, so before I've even started reading this, I've assumed that someone is speaking, when no speaking is happening, so I would instead have this in italics, so it would go like this: Have gone shopping. Won't be long and remember to unload the dishwasher. Mum and Dad.

The house was quiet except for the drip of the tap [this seems a slightly unnecessary statement to make: your MC's mum and dad are out, so the house would be quiet. This could be a case of trying to show instead of tell instead]. The drips fell into a saucepan that was in the sink [expand - why was the saucepan in the sink? had it been driving the MC's mum crazy, so she booked a plumber that never turned up... Try and make it all a lot more 3D and realistic by adding small little details like that].
Outside the rain had started to pour down. There was a litter of leaves spread over the lawn like brown crinkled pieces of paper [these two sentences seem like random statements just thrown into this, because you're just telling us, instead of showing us. How does your MC know it has started to rain? Could she hear it which then caused her to look out the window to see how heavy it was, to look at how grey the sky was to then see the litter of leaves (the description you used was great - amazing imagery)... See how you can tie it all together with just a little bit of showing? You could even add in your MC's thoughts/feelings on the rain].

I emptied the dishwasher and then went upstairs. I changed my clothes and sat down on the bed. I needed to think. I had discovered something about myself today: something very important. Something I had not realised until now. [ Ooh, I wonder what that could be... Every sentence, aside the last one, started with 'I' - try and vary your sentence starting, as using the same sentence starter will just sound repetitive, which isn't good. So, just look over this and try and start your sentences differently - I know you can do it!! (: ]

“What am I going to do?” I said to myself. But I already had a rough idea about what I should and shouldn’t do.

Pretty soon I had dozed off. I woke up just as the others came back.
“Paul, are you there?” Dad called.
“Up here. I’m coming down!” I shouted back.
I knew the time was not right to tell them: at least it wasn't now.

TWO
The next day I went to college again. I was studying Animal Management And...? There's got to be a point to everything you say, so expand on this. Does your MC like going to college and studying Animal Management? Why did he choose to study Animal Management...? These are the starting chapters so you need to give us a good first look into your MC and his life, so we can get to know him better, and learn to identify with him as we follow his journey in the novel...].

The college was a ten minute bus ride away from my house. The bus this morning was full of school children [age? Your MC's thoughts of them? Were they being rowdy, or did they just look sleepy? Can your MC empathise with them/relate to them from when he was that gae...?] but I managed to find a seat at the back. I sat next to a woman in a purple coat who was reading a Ruth Rendell novel.
The bus lurched around the corner and set off.

In ten minutes I arrived at the college. I walked through the automatic doors of the reception and saw Norma Davidson [expand: character description, does your MC like her or not, how does he know her, etc...?] there. She was sitting on a brown leather sofa.
“Hi [comma” she called[full stop][/b]
“ Hello[b][comma]”.[delete full stop] I replied sitting down beside her. “ How are you doing with that assignment we had last week?”
“The one on animal transportation?”
“Yeah, that one.”
“Oh, okay. I’m on the merit part. I’m not going for distinction on this subject. I just think it’s really boring.”
I nodded.
“Oh, I saw your friend Daniel Alford. He asked me if you had come in yet.[replace with comma]” Norma said.
My heart jumped and I felt very excited [why? At the mention at Daniel's name...?].
“ He’s a nice person, isn’t he?” Norma went on.
“Yes, very,” I said.
We sat in silence for a few minutes.
“Oh well. We’d better be getting on to the classroom. Adrian will be annoyed if we are late.” Norma said.
We got up and went outside.

As we were walking along the path to the room I heard Daniel call me. I turned to meet him.
“ Hello, Paul. Are you OK?”
“ Yes thank you. And yourself?” I asked him.
“ Not too bad. Are you off to a lesson now? “
I nodded.
“Well, I’ll let you go then. See you at lunch break.” He turned to go.
Norma and I walked into the classroom and sat down.

Most of the other students were there already. Adrian [who's Adrian?] had his back to us and was writing something on the white board with a blue pen.

“ I hate this lesson on Genetics, “ I murmured to Norma.
“You say that every week,” she whispered back.
“ Only because it’s true, “ I said.
She didn’t reply so I started thinking about Daniel and when I would see him at lunch. The thought made me feel very excited [you've used excited already in relation to Daniel; try and use another word instead].

Last Minute Views
More showing, less telling
You need to add in more description into this. I know you can, because the bit of description you did give was always excellent with brilliant imagery, so I know you have it in you to do this all the way through!! You also need to cut down on the amount of basic statements you make, and try and give them meaning and purpose, otherwise they just sound like they've been randomly placed there, which we certainly don't want!! (:

Other Characters
The three extra characters in part two and your MC's mum and dad need to be worked and developed on, but mostly in relation to your MC: what you thinks of them, his relationship with them, etc. It was all a bit too vague, which isn't what readers want on the starting chapters, they want to be filled in as much as possible, so just work on your character developments of the extra characters and that will be great!!

Overall Thoughts
To improve this further, try and spend a little more time on developing your characters and adding in more description. Also, the thing that your MC had discovered about himself... you didn't refer back to it at all in part two, it was almost as though it had been forgotten, so I would work on that. Overall this was very easy reading and I loved the imagery that came came with the description you used, which was great!!
I really hope I haven't offended you as you really do have great potential, and I just want to help you reach that potential . I really hope this review helps you out and PM me if you have any further questions, or anything at all, as I'll be more than happy to help =D.

Good luck with this piece and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Hey Pringle. Here as you asked.
Okay so I didn't read Lucyy's review so I'm super sorry if I repeat anything.
Okay, this was pretty short but there were a few mistakes that I'll point out now.
Nitpicks!

The bus pulled to a stop.I got off , thanked the driver and started to walk across the road to our house.

The bus pulled to a stop. I got off, thanked the driver, and started to walk across the road to my house. That's how it should be. I only changed the 'our' to a 'my' because you only introduced one character so far.

It had started to rain. I could smell the wet tarmac : ripples formed in the puddles around my feet and water dripped off the leaves of the privet hedge that grew near our house.

Okay, I think you should make it this: It had started to rain and I could smell the wet tarmac. Ripples formed in the puddles around my feet and water dripped off the leaves of the private hedge that grew near around my house.

chair in the hall

Ummm, would you really just randomly have a chair in the hall? Because I know my hall isn't big enough for a chair and to walk through.

Through the window, I could see the rain

No comma.

I had discovered today: something very important

Instead of a semicolon put a comma.

Something I had not realised until now.

Realized is spelled realized. With a z.

the others came back.

I don't think you should use the word the "others" because there are only two and they are his parents, right, not others?

“Up here. I’m coming down!” I shouted back.
I went downstairs.

To make this better I think you should make it into one sentence. So it would be ...I shouted back as I went downstairs.

" Fine," I replied.
" Did you hand in that assignment?" Mum asked.
" Oh, well done."

You don't need a space between the first word and first quotation mark.

"Yes, thankfully and I got one back."

Comma after thankfully.

"I got pass, merit and distinction."

Comma after merit.

I smiled.I knew the time was not right to tell them: at least it wasn't now.

Space between I and the period. Comma after them, not that.

“Hi ,” she called.

"Hi," she called.

Hello”,

"Hello,"

“Oh, I saw your friend Daniel Alford.

Comma after friend.

“ He’s a nice person, isn’t he?” Norma went on.

"He's a nice person, isn't he?" Norma went on.

My heart jumped and I felt very excited at the mention of Daniel.

Is Paul gay or something? Sorry, just guessing.

“ Hello, Paul. Are you OK?”

I don't think you should put 'are you okay?' because he didn't get hurt. Maybe how are you?

Okay that's it!
So, the description is good, nice imagery going on.
Maybe add more about Paul and how he looks, etc.

Characterization.
Paul doesn't act like a college student. He acts like a kid. Maybe change that a bit.

Overall.
It was pretty good, not too many mistakes. Maybe flesh out each chapter?

PM me if you have any questions or want me to review again.
(Good job!)
~Storm

Hey! I am so sorry about the wait! I was on vacation, and forgot to close my Will Review for Food thread.

I'll review this anyway.

Because of my awful not-here-on-YWS-ness, all the nitpicks have been taken! i don't want to repeat what everyone said, so I'll do more of a general overall.

Paul's "Discovery"

From the summary that you gave me, I'm assuming that he "discovered" he was gay.
I find it odd that Paul could live his whole life believing he was heterosexual, but wake up one day and think, "Oh, well, I think I actually like boys!"
I'm not a homosexual man (obviously), so I don't know how they feel -- if they "discover" their sexual orientation later in life or not. But I have heard many parents of openly gay men say that even as children, their sons were effeminate and flamboyant. Gay men often say that even as young children, they had homosexual tendencies.
Instead of making it sound like Paul randomly decided that he's gay, open up with him coming to terms that he needs to come out of the closet or something like that.

Typing Errors

Please make sure that you proofread your work before posting it. Many times, you included a space after your quotation marks, like this:

" Oh no!"

Instead of the correct way,

"Oh no!"

Fix those, please!

Showing not Telling

Honestly, this was a bit boring. There was absolutely no description in it whatsoever. Right now, your story reads like an outline. Add some interesting tidbits. Instead of telling me pointless things like the author of the novel the woman on the bus is reading, show me how Paul related to people. Have him check out a few guys, yet sicken himself doing so.
If you hadn't told me Paul was homosexual, I wouldn't have known.

Full-Stops

They made me so angry! Your sentences are much to short. It makes your story read very choppily. I hardly ever say this, but combine some sentences! Read your story outloud to make it flow better.

Hope this helped,
Sakura